Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

How to help you grow.


Growing, changing, learning, discovering--all some of my favorite things. It's the process that I love, rather than the final destination. In the middle of things, I usually find myself wishing for something more straightforward, more cut-and-dried, longing for some concrete, step-by-step instructions to just figure it out already! Yet, in the end, that isn't what satisfies me because that isn't what makes me grow. That isn't what makes the lessons part of who I am.

I've learned this about myself over the course of the past few years. And I love seeing that same process in other people. The problem: I'm not very good at letting that process happen in other people, especially those closest to me.

So often, I see someone struggling with something so similar to what I've dealt with in the past. I want so badly for them to come to the same understanding that I have--lessons in grace, thankfulness, joy, perseverance...whatever it may be. Unfortunately, I tend to lay it out for them as a step-by-step plan of action (or try to condense all of the details and connections and everything that made my experience meaningful into a little bite-sized speech that loses its significance). I forget that God doesn't work inside a box. He doesn't work the same way in every person. The lessons might ultimately be the same, but the process by which they're learned is unique to each person.

God is personal. He's relational, and that's how He teaches us. The way He communicates with my best friend or my boyfriend or my little brother might be completely unrecognizable to me at first glance...

...and that's a good thing.


It's such proof of how well God knows each of us, not just on a surface level but deeply. He knows how our minds work, He knows our hearts, and He knows exactly what makes us tick. He gets me enough to know to communicate with me through books and lyrics and falling leaves. He knows the jumps my mind makes to connect seemingly unrelated ideas into something so profound.

He knows I'll get it.

If He can do that for me on such a deeply personal level, won't He do the same for everyone else, communicating with them in ways that I might not understand?

The thing is, I understand the concept mentally. I get it. And that leaves me here: how do I live like I get it? How does it look in real life? Because that's what I want to do, both with my life and in my relationships.

I want to be able to foster that kind of growth in other people without resorting to giving unnecessary advice and telling them what they need to do.* I want to help other people discover the answers for themselves, because really, that's what it's all about anyway. That's how we grow, and I want to help people grow. I want to be able to step back and let God do His thing and not get in the way. Still, there's a place for human influence. Where's the balance between sitting back and doing nothing and going too far?

I don't know.
I don't have the answers this time.

This is one of those posts I can't wrap up nice and neat, because I'm still trying to figure it out myself. So I'm asking--have you ever wrestled with this before? I know that the answer varies from situation to situation, but what have some of your experiences been?**

And, I don't know. Maybe this is one of those things that can't ever really be answered, because it can't be put into a box. Maybe there isn't an answer. Maybe it just has to be lived and figured out along the way, different for every single situation. And maybe I need to be okay with that.

*I definitely think advice has its place, but right now, I need to learn not to give it. I have a tendency to think I have the answers, when in reality, I don't at all.
**Think about this in terms of personal relationships, like friendships or marriage or even children, on a spiritual level. That's where I struggle most. How do you help someone grow spiritually without trying to give them all the answers?

Monday, May 28, 2012

Be still.

Listening to: "Crazy Girl" by Eli Young Band
I have been in a HUGE country mood lately. It's such perfect music for summer. This band is one of my favorites for sure!
“You have made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find peace in You.”
- Augustine's Confessions
A year ago, I wrote about my need to simply be still, to know that God was and is in control, to just trust.

A year later, not much has changed.

Scratch that--pretty much everything has changed (thank. God. SERIOUSLY). But that is one thing that does remain the same. I'm at a very, very different place in life now than I was then, but my need to be still and rest only in Him is still huge. It's still difficult.

I am not the kind of person who thrives on busyness. Quite frankly, I think this need that everyone seems to have to be crazy busy all the time is ridiculous.* However, as much as I don't generally want to be busy 24/7, lately, I've wanted to avoid being alone, sitting, having time to hear myself think. Because when I'm alone, that's when the thoughts and the fears start to come, and I just want to get away, to have someone, so I don't have to think about it.

Fear can be so pervasive. Scars can run deeper than you think. When it's just me and God, when I don't have the option of turning to someone else, it means I have to look certain things square in the eye and deal with them…like the fact that I sometimes struggle to trust Him, because I know that trusting Him sometimes leads to very painful places. Beautiful places, yes, but painful ones as well (usually, it's both simultaneously). I get scared of what comes next. I get scared of where loving Him most might lead me. I get scared that I won't be able to love Him most!

And that's when grace comes in. Again. And accepting grace means I have to be still and trust Him and let Him love me and prove over and over again that He is good.

He isn't safe--never safe--but He is very, very good.

Because of that, I can choose to rest in Him and let Him help me face all my fears. I can trust that, however He chooses to go about it, He will always keep His promises. He will always give me His very best.

"You don't have to feel safe to feel unafraid."
- "Lions!" by LIGHTS

Also: this song. So good.

"When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am."
- "Be Still" by The Fray
*Obviously, I understand that every person is different, but when it gets to the point where all you talk about is how busy you are and have these weird conversations that imply whoever has the busiest schedule is somehow superior… I think it's safe to say there's a problem. It's one thing to be unavoidably busy. Everyone has those times. My entire last semester was one of those times! However, it's quite another to choose to be ridiculously busy all. the. time. and then complain about it every waking moment. One of my biggest pet peeves ever. (I could vent about this for awhile, because it's something that frustrates me a lot, but…I'll spare you. I just hate the pressure to be busy for the sake of being busy! The fact that I choose to say no to filling up every minute of my schedule does not mean that I am lazy or inferior. End mini rant.) (P.S. I know approximately a billion people who do this. It's kind of a general American cultural thing, it seems. In other words, don't think I'm attacking anyone. This isn't being directed at any individual. Promise!)

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Your grace is enough.

via Megan Gilger
Listening to: "Closer to Love" by Mat Kearney
(I got to see him in concert a couple of weeks ago! So, so good--he's just as great live as he is on his albums. I am so glad I got to go!)

I've officially decided: I hate busyness. Productivity is good. Busy is definitely not. Even now, the only way I'm managing any free time to blog is because I'm sitting in a nursing home lobby by myself, waiting for students in the class I TA for to finish their service project.* Seriously, the number one thing that I've wanted for weeks is a few hours of absolute quiet, all to myself. Maybe someday...

Anyway, this semester. Whoa. It has been really, really good, but really difficult at the same time (just in a completely different way than last semester!). College is always a bit of a balancing act, but this semester is taking it to a whole new level. 17 credit hours (including 2 senior level psych classes and a science), auditing 1 hour, and TAing for a 63-person class, on top of getting back into a relationship, not to mention keeping myself on track with my relationship with God…yeah, it's slightly nuts. (I realize that this seems pretty run-of-the-mill for a lot of people, but for someone who definitely does not thrive on being crazy-busy all the time, it's a stretch!)

via Pinterest
In short, this year so far has been one big lesson to teach me that I'm not perfect, that I really do need God more than anything, and what the meaning of grace really is. For some reason, it can be very hard for me to remember that this is all a process. I'm not going to get it down right away. I'm going to mess up. At the same time, I have to keep trying. That can be a hard balance to find: understanding that His grace makes up for my mistakes because He understands and loves me anyway…
"The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust."
- Psalm 103:13-14
…but not letting that cause me to think that what I do doesn't matter, that I don't have to keep striving to be better.
"Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it?"
- Romans 6:1-2
I am so thankful for what I've been given, but sometimes--most of the time--I feel so unbelievably inadequate. As wonderful as it all is--and it is wonderful--it is so much responsibility and I know all too well how incapable I am. I've proven that over and over and over again. After praying and praying for what I wanted so much, now that I actually have it, I'm constantly asking God, "Are You sure about this? I don't know if I can handle it after all!" Yet He's continually reminding me:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
- 2 Corinthians 12:9
If this is where He wants me, He's going to give me the strength to do it correctly. His grace really is enough. Keeping Him first is the key. If only I could remember that…

Hopefully this balance I'm trying to find will include some free time to blog, but I make no promises! Until next time...

* Thank God for smart phones--my parents got me an iPhone for Christmas. LOVE IT. It is saving my life this semester!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Let Me Feel You Shine

This song is my life right now.

"Let Me Feel You Shine"
David Crowder Band

This place is trying to break my belief
But my faith is bigger than all I can see
What I need is redemption
What I need is for You for to put me back on my feet

I swear I'm trying to give everything
But I feel I'm falling, oh make me believe
What I need is resurrection
What I need is for You to put me back on my feet

If I could feel You shine Your perpetual light
Then maybe I could crawl out of this tonight
If I could feel You feel You shine
Oh, let me feel You shine
So beautiful and warm
So beautiful and bright
Like a sun comin' out of a rainy sky
Oh let me feel You shine, oh
Let me feel You shine

I lift the knife to the thing I love most
Praying You'll come so I can have both
What I need is for You to touch me
What I need is for You to be the thing that I need

God, I need a Savior
O come, Generous King
O God, I need a Savior
To come rescue me
Life freaks me out sometimes. God freaks me out sometimes. Most of the time, lately. He's worth it, but that doesn't mean it's not the scariest thing ever.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Lessons learned.

Listening to: "Hymn" by Brooke Fraser
My theme song of the moment. So simple and beautiful and good. I love her music! Possible post about this one soon? Maybe? We'll see.

Oh, what a year. I don't even know how to begin to describe it. Joy. Hope. Pain. Despair. Trust. Anxiety. Loss. So, so much gained. I have never experienced anything quite like it*, and to be perfectly honest, I'd rather not have to ever again!

Still, I know this is going to be one of those years that I look back on with so much amazement, and probably even a little bit of wishing for certain aspects of it to come back. Sometimes, the most beautiful things can only be found in the most painful times. I've experienced so much growth this year, so much change that needed to happen--big time. I love the times when I'm constantly learning, when things are constantly clicking in my head, and I finally get it. And boy, did I learn a lot. (That being said, I am still so glad this year is over! I will never pray for anything close to that ever again. God can teach me on His own time. LESSON LEARNED.)

I've kept up with blogging about a lot of the lessons I've learned this year as they were happening, so I won't go into crazy detail here, but I did feel the need to be really cliche and make a retrospective year-in-review (or lessons-in-review, as it may be) kind of post. :) It's more for myself than for anyone, but I figured I'd share anyway. Also, since there have been so many different lessons, I'll post it in parts. Part one today, the rest to come soon!

Highlights (in no particular order):**

1. Be still and know.
Life is not predictable. Things are not going to go the way I expect them to, and God is not going to work the way I think He should. One of my favorite verses is Psalm 46:10:
"Be still and know that I am God."
Apparently, an alternate translation of "be still" is "let go"--
"Let go and know that I am God."
Stop freaking out. Stop worrying. Stop trying to control everything. Just be still, let it go, and recognize that He is God and I am not. He's got it under control, so I need to let Him be in control.

2. Thankfulness.
Gratitude: it's something you hear a lot about, but generally don't make a conscious effort to include it in your daily life. At least, that's how it's been for me. This is a huge thing that God has been teaching me over the past several months. Thankfulness is not just a nice suggestion; it's vital to joy and contentment and keeping God first (which, consequently, are all tied very closely together!). Even when everything is going wrong, there is always something to be thankful for, even if you have to get down to the tiniest things. Sometimes, it's the little things that matter most.***

3. Seek Him first.
"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you as well."
- Matthew 6:33
God absolutely has to be first in my thoughts, in my heart, in my life. My whole life needs to be centered around Him. When it all comes down to it, He really is the only thing that matters. A relationship, a career, a life goal, whatever--if anything else is getting most of my attention and is what I'm striving for most, then something is wrong. He is the "prize," if you will. Nothing else.
"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ."
- Philippians 3:7-8
I've always kind of understood that in my head, but this is the first time it's really clicked, and the first time that I've made a conscious effort to make it my way of life.**** Because it does require effort, constant effort, which brings me to my next point...

4. Perseverance: Keep pushing.
Everything is a process. Keeping the main goal in sight is absolutely crucial, because otherwise, you will never make it anywhere. The rest of life is way too distracting, and when things get painful and doubt starts creeping in, perspective is nearly impossible to maintain. The only way I've been able to keep going is because I've been doing my best to keep Lesson #3 in the front of my mind as much as I possibly can. My mindset: Push through the pain now, because it's the only way through. It will hurt, but the end will be worth it. And then (like now), once the pain is past, the goal still has to be in sight because at that point, it's the only motivation you have. There are no breaks here; it's a daily choice to make for the rest of your life.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
- Philippians 3:12-14
5. Blessings in disguise.
Sometimes, God's best does not come in the form we expect. Sometimes, His blessings come to us in really heartbreaking ways. Sometimes, pain is proof that God loves us.

God knows what's best for us. The thing is, it usually takes a good deal of pain to actually get there. Rarely can we get to where He wants us to be without giving up certain things we have now. Gaining His best often requires a lot of loss on our part. That isn't to say that we don't gain so much more--we do--but loss is always painful. And sometimes, there are things in our hearts that have to be removed, and a lot of times, it requires a great deal of pain to bring it to the surface. In the end, if we handle it correctly, pain will always bring us closer to God. Isn't that in itself worth it?
"You said, 'I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart, then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear,
Remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.'"
- "Let It All Out" by Relient K
6. Dig deep: Finding purpose in the pain.
When it comes to dealing with pain, we have two options: Face it head on or bury it with distractions. Option one actually gets us somewhere, while option two is only going to make things hurt even more in the end.

Finding purpose in the hardest times requires us to do some serious soul-searching. It means digging deep and making some changes that we may not have even realized we needed. I'm not saying that every painful situation is a result of something we've done wrong, because that's definitely not the case. Still, every painful situation can be used to grow, and growth almost always requires change. Hard? Very. Worth it? Most definitely.

(Click here for part 2!)

*I do have to say, though--it's had its fair share of similarities to 2009! Kind of scary in some ways. Both were definitely big years for learning and growing and maturing in major ways. Just different ones.
**It was kind of hard for me to divide these up into a nice little list because all of these lessons are so related and intertwined and often inseparable. But…I did my best.
***Keeping a list of "the little things" I'm thankful for has become one of my favorite things. It's amazing how much you miss when you aren't looking! God really is so good.
****This is such a basic concept, I know, and it's one I've heard all my life, but the meaning of it didn't click until this year. Maybe I'm a little slow, but the basic, foundational stuff has been big for me lately. It's like I'm finally getting it, not just in my mind, but in my heart, because I'm actually experiencing it and having to make the conscious decision to include it in my life.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Just keep swimming...

Listening to: "1000 Ships (Acoustic" by Rachel Platten
Just discovered her today (yes, another NoiseTrade find). I really like this song, and "Nothing Ever Happens" isn't too bad either. Pretty good stuff!
"Never, never, never give up."
- Winston Churchill
Perseverance.

Out of all of the lessons that I've learned this year (and trust me, there have been a lot!), this has been one of the biggest, and it's one I'm still struggling to get. Pushing all the way through has never been my strong point. I'm great at starting things, and even figuring out what I need to do to get to the end goal, but when it comes to actually following through with it--completely? Not so much. It's a major weakness of mine that I didn't even recognize until this year.*

At the beginning of anything, I typically have one of two things to motivate me: pain or excitement. Either things are too painful not to move forward, or I'm really excited about what's happening, so moving forward isn't even a question--I want to! Unfortunately, neither one lasts. There always comes a point when all emotion wears off. That's when who I really am comes to the surface.

Do I really love Him enough to keep pursuing Him first?
Do I really trust Him enough to keep following Him, even if He doesn't?
Am I really finding my contentment in Him alone?
Am I really willing to wait patiently for Him, not jumping ahead, no matter how long it takes?

Or am I just fooling myself, lying not only to myself, but to Him as well?

They're all questions I've been grappling with lately, trying so hard to come to an honest answer…and to do whatever I possibly can to make sure my answer is, without question, YES. Lately, it's been coming down to sheer determination…and lots of prayer! I cannot afford to give up. Not now.

Goal: keep pushing, no matter how hard it gets. Because the end is worth it.

"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith."
- Hebrews 12:1-2
*There have been a lot of those this year, actually--weaknesses I didn't know I had coming to the surface. It's beyond humbling (not to mention painful) when you have to come to terms with how messed up you really are. I was already plenty aware of the fact that I'm not perfect, but this year has taken it to a whole new level!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

"Thou and thou only first in my heart..."

Currently thankful for: Christmas movies, candles, finally getting paid, and last but most definitely not least, BEING DONE WITH THIS SEMESTER. Enough said about that!

Keeping God first is the hardest thing.

It should be so easy. I mean, seriously--He's so, so good, and absolutely everything I could possibly need. I have more joy and am more content with Him than I am at any other time. So why is it that my heart jumps at the chance to replace Him at the slightest opportunity? I'll never understand that. It doesn't make sense.

The past couple of weeks have been a struggle to make sure He stays first in my heart, my thoughts, my life. I've already failed at it more than once. Falling back into old patterns is all too easy, but I'm learning to recognize them--and to recognize what I need to do to avoid them. As hard as it is to discipline myself like this, it has forced me to be in a near-constant state of prayer, just to keep my head above water.

Sometimes, I forget that surrender and putting God first is a process, not an event. It's not something that I do once and for all, never having to think about it again. Instead, it's something I have to do constantly and will have to continue until the day that I die. I will never come to a point when I can say, "Wow, I'm glad that's over with. I learned a lot and now God is first; I don't have to focus on keeping Him there anymore." Yet that's what has happened every single time I've come through a hard situation. And guess what? As soon as I stop focusing on Him so intently, everything slowly begins to fall apart again.

Will I ever learn?

Even if He chooses to move me to the next stage of the process, a happier time, that doesn't mean I'm supposed to stop clinging to Him, or even loosen my grip. And even if He doesn't fulfill what I'm hoping for, that doesn't mean I'm supposed to suddenly trust Him any less. Because even if He doesn't, I will still trust Him. I will still love Him. I will still follow Him, knowing that His plan is best.
"Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, 'King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.'"
- Daniel 3:16-18
That has become one of the most profound verses in the Bible to me, and one of my biggest lessons over the past several months. Those guys knew what God could do, even what they truly believed that He would do, and certainly they wanted to be rescued, but in the end, it really didn't matter. Their faith was in Him, not in what He could do. It's the same reason Abraham was able to obey when God told him to sacrifice Isaac. Abraham knew what God had promised him, but he had to be willing to let go of even that--even the promise--and trust that God is faithful. Even if He doesn't, He is faithful.

"Thou and Thou only first in my heart
High King of Heaven, my treasure, Thou art."

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Digging deep

"Humble Gift" by Marie Elliot
Listening to: "How Firm a Foundation" by The Walla Recovery
(I have been on such a hymns kick lately. Kind of strange and random, I know, but this stuff is just so good! They just have so much substance to them, instead of being so focused on the emotional--not that emotional is bad--and I love that.) 

Favorite thing: unexpectedly coming across stuff that lines up perfectly with everything I've been pondering on my own.

Lately, I've been thinking so much about pain and how the way you handle it is so vital to who you are, about how it brings out things in you that you never realized were there and forces you to deal with them, about how incredibly important having a strong foundation is for anything else you encounter. One of the biggest things: As hard and painful as it's been, I am so thankful that God has used the past few months to get my attention and forced me to dig into the deepest parts of my heart to get rid of everything that's been buried there, things I had no idea even existed. Digging deep like that isn't easy--at all. It's so difficult to have to face yourself for who you really are…and even more so to actually deal with it. Still, it's so, so worth it.

As I was reading my Bible yesterday, this verse really stood out to me:
"As for everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like. They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built."
- Luke 6:47-48 (NIV)
Seriously? Down to the exact wording of what I've been thinking. I had no idea the "dug down deep" part even existed. This is exactly where I am right now: getting rid of everything inside that's in the way of building the foundation I need for everything that's coming next. I don't know what that will be, but it's exactly why God has been pushing me: "Seek Me first. Don't worry about what comes next--this step is most important." Without this, everything that comes next will be worthless because there's nothing to build on. Case in point:
"But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete."
- Luke 6:49
So then, last night, I had to read another chapter in Sexy Christians by Ted & Diane Roberts, a book for my Human Sexuality class. (Ahem. Good book, exceptionally ridiculous title.) To be honest, I wasn't looking forward to it. While I do like the book, I've been making a point to avoid it because quite frankly, I've been avoiding anything having to do with relationships lately.* This chapter, though? Could not have been more perfect. It was completely focused on pain, finding purpose in it, dealing with it correctly, how it forces you to deal with who you really are. It also emphasized the importance of pain in coming to really know God. Like I said--perfect. Some favorite quotes:
"In Abraham's culture, fathers found their value and future in their heritage--particularly in their firstborn sons. In this environment, it seemed almost natural for Abraham to develop an unhealthy addiction to Isaac. But do you see what God did? He loved Abraham enough to bring him to the knifepoint of finding his value solely in his relationship with his heavenly Father."**
"What we do with our pain is one of life's determining factors…. What we do with our pain determines the depth of our character…"***
They go on to say that, when it comes to pain, you have two options:
Option 1: Pain + Purpose = Freedom
Option 2: Pain + Pleasure = Bondage****
Basically, you can use the pain to grow and come to know God in a way you never have before, or you can bury the pain by distracting yourself with other things, denying that perhaps there are things within you that need to change. God often uses pain to get our attention, but we have to be willing to acknowledge Him...and that requires us to dig. Deep. Painful? Very. But so very, very worth it in the end.
"Fairytale Tree" by Chinitsu
 "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
- Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV)

*Usually my favorite subject, but I need a break from it just now :)
**Sexy Christians, p. 201
***Sexy Christians, p. 202
****Sexy Christians, p. 202

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Just like autumn

Photo Credit: julkusiowa
Currently thankful for: Gorgeous fall weather, trips to Chilhowee to see the leaves and watch the sunset, random trips to Jenkins with good friends, good music, hot chocolate!
(Also, a sense of humor to laugh at the worst awkward situations. Seriously, my life is destined to be a sitcom. Things happen to me that happen on episodes of Friends, not in real life. Except they do happen in my life. I guess I should be used to it by now.)

As I'm writing this, I'm at one of my favorite places: a big rock on top of a mountain, overlooking a lake and a beautiful sunset, with colorful leaves fluttering around me, crunching when I walk.

Autumn is my favorite time of year.

Ironic, because not only is it the most beautiful season to me, it's also one of the saddest. Everything is dying, and I know that soon, the trees will be bare, the grass will be brown, and I'll be stuck indoors until March.

Still, without the death that autumn brings, there can be no changing leaves, no color, no bonfires or caramel apples, none of the vibrance of the season that I love the most. The best things can't come without pain.

And yes, spring will come eventually. New life always follows death. Things won't hurt forever. And I do love springtime as well. The warmth, the flowers, the green, the birds. It's a close second favorite.

Even so, there's just something special about the fall.

The more I experience, the more I go through the changes of life, the more I begin to realize: there's something special about the hardest times. Yes, they hurt so much, and no, I probably wouldn't choose them if given an option. But it's through this kind of pain that the most beautiful changes come. Somehow, the most joy comes in the times that hurt the most. Sometimes, it's not about pushing through and waiting for the hard times to be over; it's about finding the incredible joy that can only be found in them. It's something I don't understand, but it's the most special kind of joy and peace that I've ever experienced.

It's the hardest times that force things in me to die. And when they die, I learn what it means to really live. I learn to see Him again.

When I am weak, He is strong.
Whoever loses his life will gain it.
Dying, we live.

Sometimes, the beauty can only be found in the loss. Just like autumn.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Friends in unexpected places

Photo Credit: Johan Lind
Listening to: "Moving Backwards" by Ben Rector
"Standing still isn't easy when the world's moving backwards." I love Ben Rector and I love this song. He's just good. I definitely recommend checking out his sampler on NoiseTrade. This song isn't on there, but two more of my favorites ("The Beat" and "When a Heart Breaks") are.

I've made a new friend this semester.

His name is Roy, he's 83 years old, and he's one of the sweetest men you will ever meet. Also, he really, really likes soccer.

I first noticed him at the very beginning of this semester. He was sitting by himself on a bench by the soccer field, as he does nearly every single day, and I had such a strong urge to go and talk to him. That doesn't happen to me all that often, and as soon as the thought came, along with it came a million excuses for why I shouldn't.

"I don't know him."
"What would I even say?"
"That's kind of an awkward thing to do."
"I'm not all that great at initiating conversations with people I don't know."
"I've never been good at talking to elderly people."

Blah, blah, blah.

Still, the silly excuses won out, so I smiled (I can do that) and kept walking...and felt really lame about it afterwards.

A couple of weeks later, I had to drop off something before my 3:00 class, so I left 10 minutes earlier than usual. He was sitting there again, and I had to walk right by his bench on my way. I smiled at him, and he gave me a huge smile in return, along with, "Hey! How are you doing?" Well, there was no way I was going to keep walking then, so I went over to him and we chatted for a couple of minutes. He told me all about the soccer game from the night before, and about how great the team was doing, and how much he loved the nice weather. Eventually, I had to continue on to class, but just those few minutes brightened my whole day. Since then, I always try to stop and talk to him when I see him, even if it's only for a second.

So anyway, today has been really rough for me. Overall, I'm doing okay, but there are just those days, you know? After classes, I was feeling really lame, so I just went home and poured a bowl of cereal for lunch (my cabinets are empty--definitely time for a trip to the grocery store!). I took a bite and immediately gagged. Nothing like a spoonful of spoiled milk. Ugh. Off to the PCSU for Chick-fil-A it was. On my way over, I saw Mr. Roy sitting on his bench again. Honestly, I didn't feel like stopping to talk, and was going to settle for a quick wave and a smile and be on my way. Just as I was about to cross the street, though, I couldn't. All I could think was, It's just a minute of small talk. Why pass up the chance to brighten someone else's day, just because I don't feel so awesome? So I made a quick turn and went over to say hi. We chatted for a second, he asked how I was, and I told him I was heading to get lunch. He paused for a second, then asked, "Well, where are you going for lunch?" I told him. Another pause. Then, "Well, can I come with you? Maybe we can sit and eat together!"* Obviously, I wasn't going to pass that up, so off we went to the PCSU. I bought his lunch, so he insisted on buying me a Coke, and we went and sat outside to eat.

It wasn't much, and honestly it was a little awkward at times when I didn't know what to say, but at the same time, it made my day so much better. I was hoping to give what I could to brighten his day a little, but I'm pretty sure he did a million times more for me than I did for him! He even asked me to come sit and watch the soccer game with him on Saturday :) It's just another one of those little things that come from the most unexpected places. Those are always the best.

Until next time (a slightly more serious list of things I like)...
*This was so precious to me. He was so sweet and eager and excited about it. I love it.
**Actually, I really like that whole section--verses 16-22. I can't rescue myself from any situation; I'm not strong enough...even at my strongest. Only God. Even when it seems like He's nowhere to be found, I have to trust that He's going to help me, because seriously, what other hope do I have? Without Him, I'm screwed.
***I have never been a crier, but good grief. God keeps sending me little things that are so perfect at just the right time, and they hit me so hard. I can't help myself!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Be Thou My Vision

Currently thankful for: The best friends...ever, Inman St. Coffeehouse (but not caffeine)*, gorgeous fall weather, and the fact that fall break starts in 5 days!
(I've been trying my best to keep a running list of the little things I find to be thankful for on any given day. It's kind of amazing how much it helps me in keeping a good perspective on things!)

This song has been on my mind so much over the past few days. Sometimes, old hymns are the best thing I can possibly hear. The lyrics are so simple, yet so sincere and beautiful. I love how, even though this was originally written in the 8th century--1,300 years ago--it's still exactly how I feel now.
"Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart,
naught be all else to me, save that thou art;
Thou my best thought by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

Be thou my wisdom, thou my true word,
I ever with thee and thou with me Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with thee one.

Be thou my breastplate, sword for the fight;
Be thou my dignity, thou my delight;
Thou my soul's shelter, thou my high tower:
Raise thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise:
Thou mine inheritance now and always;
Thou and thou only first in my heart;
High King of Heaven, my treasure thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O Bright Heaven's sun!;
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O Ruler of all."
*Who needs drugs when you have caffeine? Seriously, my body freaks out whenever I have it, even in small doses. A regular cup of coffee makes me jittery and on edge for a full 12 hours. No lie. Please, if you're ever with me, always force me to get decaf! In other news, the new Inman St. Coffeehouse is awesome and if you haven't been, you should go. It's cheaper (and better, in my opinion) than Starbucks, they're open until 11:00 every night, the profits go to support the Salvation Army, and they have Guitar Hero. What else do you need?

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

It's the little things...

Listening to: LIGHTS' new album, Siberia
Definitely didn't realize that this was released yesterday. It's okay, but I think I prefer The Listening. Either way, thank you, Spotify, for letting me listen without having to spend money I don't have.

Photo Credit: Unknown
Today, I can't stop smiling.

Nothing particularly special has happened. It's been a pretty average Wednesday, really. This week, though, I've started seeing God everywhere, and I can't get over how amazing that is. It's never anything huge or spectacular; it's the little things. And somehow, those tend to be so much more special to me.

For my Human Sexuality class, I'm reading Sex God by Rob Bell. Generally speaking, I'm not a huge fan of his, but this book is actually really good...especially the fourth chapter. I usually don't highlight or underline my books, but this chapter is just too good and relevant not to. Interestingly enough, it's about lust, but as I'm figuring out (and if you read it, you'll understand), lust isn't always about sex. It can be about anything. Adam and Eve in the Garden?
"In most cases, there's nothing wrong with [the things we lust for] inherently.... The problem for Adam and Eve is what the fruit has come to represent. Rebellion against God." (Sex God, p. 72)
He talks about contentment and why that's so important--
"When we're not at peace, when we aren't content, when we aren't in a good place, our radar gets turned on. We're looking.... There's a hole, a space, a gap, and we're on the search. And we may not even realize it. When we are in the right place, the right space--content and at peace--we aren't on the search and our radar gets turned off." (Sex God, p. 73)
I could go way into what I've learned about peace and contentment and what that means, but I'll save that for another time. Basically though, it's finding my satisfaction in God alone. Wherever He has me in life is enough because He put me there. It's true joy.
"It's easy for our thoughts to be dominated by a craving.... It takes ahold of us. We are not free. Lust is slavery. If I want something to the point that I can't conceive of being content without it, then it owns me.... What started out as freedom can quickly become slavery.... Freedom is going without whatever we crave and being fine with it." (Sex God, p. 74-75)
He hits the nail on the head with that one. I can't even elaborate. Because when I read that, something clicked. I finally got it.

And that brings me to my main point.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about being thankful. This is another thing Bell talks about in this chapter:
"Gratitude is so central to the life God made us for. Until we can center ourselves on what we do have, on what God has given us, on the life we do get to live, we'll constantly be looking for another life." (Sex God, p. 74)
Over the past several days, I feel like God has been trying to teach me that. Be content. Be at peace. Be thankful. Like I said before, I like the little things in life. At the same time, sometimes I forget to look for them, and with the little things, looking is essential. If I'm caught up in all of the problems with my life, I'm never going to notice everything around me that God has given me. I'll never notice the little things.

That being said, I'm trying to make a conscious effort to be thankful. When I'm bombarded with thoughts of everything that's going wrong, I want to be able to redirect my thoughts and think about the good things...even when there are no major things in my life that are going right. That's where the little things come in.

* * *

Perfect sunny days. The way the wind blows through the trees. Randomly waking up at 7am and looking out my window to see hints of color from the sunrise. Spontaneous trips to Chattanooga. Ridiculous chapel services that I don't get at all, but hey, at least they make me laugh:
"A lot of Lee students are literally frozen and unable to do what God has called them to do." Literally, huh? I guess that ice gets pretty inconvenient.

"We've gotta sing this song. We have to or I'm gonna blow up." Uhhh...yeah... Calm down.
Finally being able to smile at someone I've had trouble forgiving for 2 years. Opportunities (and extra time) to reconnect with friends I love but don't get to see as often as I'd like. When classes are relevant to my personal life. Having time to read for fun. Iced coffee between classes. Stopping to make small talk about soccer and the weather with a sweet elderly man I regularly see on campus. The everyday conversations with friends that aren't particularly memorable but make life happier.

Photo Credit: im-on-tambourine

"Always be joyful. Pray continually, and give thanks whatever happens. That is what God wants for you in Christ Jesus."
- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NCV)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Blessings in disguise

"Birdsong" via We Heart It
Listening to: "Strong Enough to Save" by Tenth Avenue North
(Yet another song that has come at the perfect time. I like how God tends to speak to me through the things I enjoy the most: music, books, nature, friends... It's kinda cool, really.)

(I have a lot to say lately. To avoid writing the longest blog of the century, however, I think I'm going to break it up into smaller pieces. It's a little too much to take in all at once, even for me!)

I was reading some of my old posts the other day, and I came across one I wrote back in April that made me laugh. It wasn't actually funny, but oh, the irony! Life wasn't bad, just really boring and routine, and I was getting tired of it. I even went so far as to say that I missed sophomore year. Ha! Well, wish no more, because I'm pretty sure I'm living out fall 2009, round two. They're so parallel, it's a little freaky. That's what I get for asking God to teach me something. Never again! From here on out, I will be content with boredom and let Him teach me on His own time. This isn't quite what I signed up for! Geez.

Anyway. As promised, I wanted to blog about this song:
Blessings
Laura Story
"We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

And all the while, you hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

And what if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?"
I think I could go on for days about these lyrics. To be honest, this isn't the kind of song I would typically like, but the lyrics are so meaningful that I can't help myself.* I heard it so many times this summer (it made me cry almost every time, but at the same time, I tried my hardest to ignore it. What my problem was, I don't know). The other day, though, I was driving around by myself for 3 hours straight, and it came on at the most perfect time possible. I've been hooked ever since. It is so fitting to where I am right now. A few lines I wanted to comment on...

* * *

"All the while, You hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things."

Whoa. It hit me so hard the first time I realized what this actually said. God does hear every word I say; He's not up there ignoring me or withholding the things I so desperately want just for the heck of it. When God says no, it's for my benefit. Always. If what I'm asking for is less than what is ultimately best for me, He loves me too much to give it to me. He can't give me less than His absolute best. It sounds cliché in some ways, but when that kind of realization really hits you, it's huge. That's something I've been trying to get through my head lately. It's not easy. Most of the time, I feel like, "Well, I don't want better. I just want this!" Yet I can't see what's ahead. I have no idea what's coming next in my life. In reality, I have no idea what I really need. I just have to trust that He does.

* * *

"We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear. We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near. We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love, as if every promise from Your Word is not enough."

Well, that's my summer summed up in three sentences. Praying over and over and over for wisdom, for God to speak to me, to know what the heck I'm supposed to do next, yet...no answer. It's so frustrating, and yeah, anger has been my response a good bit of the time.

A couple of weeks ago at church, Allan Lockerman pointed out something that I had never thought about before.** He was talking about Isaiah 50:10-11, and at one point, it refers to trusting "in the Name of the Lord." Not in the Lord--in His Name. I've always kind of wondered about that, but assumed there was no distinction. Not so. He explained that, particularly in Hebrew culture, someone's name is who they are, their character. I can't always sense that God is near, but I can always trust Him to be true to Himself. I can always trust that His character will never change.

I doubt God so much, yet I have no legitimate reason whatsoever. He has proved Himself over and over again, not only in the lives of others, but in mine. He has never, ever shown Himself to be anything less than what He says...but still, I doubt. Why? He has promised me so much. That should be enough, even if I don't see it right now.

* * *

"What if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are Your mercies in disguise?"

This is a concept I've struggled to grasp. I get it in my head, and I can totally apply it to other people. Actually, I can usually apply it to myself, but this time? I've had a really, really hard time with it. I think I'm starting to get it though. I don't understand much of anything that's happened over the past few months, but I'm coming the the conclusion: the less I understand and the harder the situation, the less I can depend on myself. That forces me to depend on God, causing me to trust Him and grow closer to Him. Even aside from the fact that it could be preparing me for something I can't see yet, or protecting me, or whatever...isn't that in itself worth it? He's worth everything. Knowing Him is the most important thing. Whatever it takes to get that is absolutely worth it, no question.


"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28

* Generally speaking, I haven't been a huge fan of Christian music for the past few years. Lately though, I'm finding myself listening to it more and more. Go figure. 
** Common occurrence. I love that man. 

Monday, August 1, 2011

I'm done.

Listening to: "Small Enough" by Nichole Nordeman
Once upon a time, oh, about 2.5 years ago, I blogged about this song. (What I'd give to go back to the simplicity of freshman year. Relatively speaking, anyway.) It's always funny to me how songs from the past can come back and be so perfect and relevant for my life right now. It's definitely a good one, and my constant prayer lately, it seems.

So, life. It'd be cool if you'd start making sense sometime really, really soon. Just a thought, because I don't know how much more I can handle.
"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from Your presence or take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me."
Psalm 51:10-12
I am so done with this summer.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Psalm 37:3-7

Listening to: "You Alone" by David Crowder Band
(Love them, love this song. Really, it's too bad they're breaking up. :( Sigh.)

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."
- Psalm 37:3-7

Possibly my favorite verse of all time. I'm trying my best to do just that.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Sunsets, stars, and saltwater

Listening to: "The Spoils of Warring Hearts" by The Walla Recovery
I love NoiseTrade and random song discoveries via the shuffle feature on my Zune. I always manage to find songs that are so fitting for my current situation. God knows me well. :) You can get this one, along with the rest of their With Trembling EP, here.

According to Isak Dinesen, "The cure for anything is saltwater: sweat, tears, or the sea." Judging from this past week, I think he might be onto something. Sort of, anyway.

Without going into too much detail, these past couple of weeks have definitely not been the ideal way to begin summer (see my previous post for a more on that, even if it is a little vague). Basically, God asked me to make a decision that I honestly didn't--and still don't, really--understand. However, I've learned over the past almost-21 years that my understanding is not important; obeying God is. Either way, decisions always have their consequences, and I've been dealing with the repercussions of mine for the past 2 weeks.

To get my mind off of things, my family ended up going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation to Mexico Beach, FL. Kristi got to come with us, which was awesome. I am sooo glad I got to go--especially considering I haven't been to the beach in 4 years! It certainly didn't solve all of my problems or anything, but I suppose it was somewhat therapeutic. I mean, really, how can such beautiful sunsets be anything but?

Seriously--so gorgeous.
The first night was especially beautiful, at least to me. After a stunning sunset (see the pic at the beginning of the post), the sky was so clear. Kristi, Darren, & I walked about a mile down the beach to the pier and I stared up at the stars for about an hour. There's something very peaceful about sitting in silence, listening to the waves crash on the beach, with a clear, starry sky overhead. I like it (though I have to say, as much as I enjoy the beach, it still doesn't compare to being in the middle of the mountains next to a river. Personal preference, of course). The only real downside to the trip was the crazy sunburns that both Kristi and I got on the very first day. I'm pretty sure it was the most painful sunburn I've ever had. It was even hard to sleep because it hurt so much. At least I got a nice tan out of the deal...as long as it doesn't decide to all peel off. Ugh. So far, so good.

Still, as good as it was, it wasn't the usual beach trip for me. Typically, I feel nothing but contentment while watching the waves, seeing the sun set over the ocean, etc. Although I did enjoy all of the above this past week, the thing I felt most was pure frustration. Frustration with life, frustration with myself, frustration with God. It was getting to the point where I was becoming almost angry. I was constantly thinking, "God, seriously. What are You thinking? How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to do that? Blah, blah, blah, blah." (Well, maybe not in those words...but you get the idea.) He was finally like, "Brittany, stop. You need to chill. Whatever happened to being content with wherever I put you in life? This is where I have you now and you need to deal with it. Being upset isn't going to get you anywhere."* Then, me still being me, "Yeah, but really, I don't understand how you expect me to [insert some specific action here] or even [another specific action]. That just doesn't make sense. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I've already proven that it's literally impossible, and..." And God, once again, "...I don't recall ever asking you to do those things. I asked you to obey Me in this one thing and trust Me for the rest." And then...

"Be still and know that I am God."

Stop planning, stop worrying, stop being frustrated. Just be still.

Over the past few years, I've begun to discover that I don't know anything. Can't know anything, with the exception of one thing: God. God is faithful, God is trustworthy, God is good, God is perfect. No matter what else is happening in my life, no matter how crazy or uncertain, even if everything I thought to be constant falls apart completely, I can trust that He will always stay the same. Instead of striving and trying to fix everything on my own, He only asks that I simply be still...and know.

And really, when it all comes down to it, what else can I possibly do? He is the only one who can solve any of these problems, so why am I wasting so much time worrying and being frustrated over something that I don't even have the power to change? Answer: because my name is Brittany and that's what I do. Heh. Seriously though--that's probably my number one thing to work on right now.

Just be still and know.**

*Sometimes, God has to be kinda blunt with me to get the point across, as can be seen here. Heh.
**I kinda feel like I sound like some random inspirational devotional or something. Sorry about that--totally not my intention!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Trust and obey.

Listening to: "Light Up The Sky" by The Afters
(It's amazing to me how God can use a simple song to be so comforting. This song has made it to the top of my iTunes most played list within the past couple of days. It's a good one.)

"There is no ongoing spiritual life without this process of letting go. At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops. If we hold tightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul."

- Elisabeth Elliot

Trust.
It seems to be the number one recurring theme in my life, a lesson I'm constantly learning in various degrees, in a variety of ways.

Sometimes it's exciting.
Sometimes it's scary.
Sometimes it's painful.

And then there are the times when it becomes so frightening and excruciating that you feel like you can't survive, when understanding is nonexistent, and you feel as if God has completely blindsided you for no particular reason.

Now is one of those times.

I never expected to be here, but since when does God work within my expectations? If there was any other way, I would have chosen it, but in this case, God gave me no other option. Once again, I had to come to terms with the fact that I have to trust Him and obey whatever He tells me, even when it hurts. Even when doesn't make sense. I have no idea what's coming next. I've never been very good at predicting the future (case in point) but I always seem to try anyway. This time, though? The only thing I can do is take life one step at a time, because everything is completely out of my hands at this point. All I can do is trust. And, somehow, that has to be okay.


"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised."
- Hebrews 10:36

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Oh, inconsistent me...

I like God. I like how He talks to me through songs and stars and sunsets and my closest friends. Heck, He even gets through to me in the middle of my psychology classes. It has happened so often, but every single time, it almost takes me by surprise. I just love how He knows me so well, how He speaks to me in a way that is absolutely perfect for me instead of talking to everyone in the same way.

This was one of my favorite songs when I was a freshman in high school. It's funny how something can be just as (actually, more) relevant to my life at 20 as it was at 14.
Let It All Out
Relient K

Let it all out, get it all out
Rip it out, remove it
Don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed
'Cause we're so scared to find out
What this life's all about
So scared we're going to lose it
Not knowing all along that's exactly what we need

And today I'll trust You with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
But tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at You in disbelief
Oh, inconsistent me crying out for consistency

And You said, "I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart
Then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember, the end will justify
The pain it took to get us there."

And I'll let it be known at times I have shown
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me, there is strength
And You promise me that You believe
In time, I will defeat this
'Cause somewhere in me there is strength

And today I will trust You with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
And I'll try my best to just forget
That that man isn't me

Reach out to me
Make my heart brand new
Every beat will be for You
And I know You know
You touched my life
When You touched my heavy heart and made it light
The whole, "Today I'll trust you with the confidence of a man who's never known defeat, but tomorrow upon hearing what I did, I will stare at You in disbelief. Oh, inconsistent me, crying out for consistency," is my life. It's like I make the decision to trust God completely and leave everything up to Him, and then the next day, I realize the implications of what I've done by giving up that control and I freak out. Repeat cycle. It's ridiculous. I need to break that.