Hello, adulthood! (...I think?)

Photo Credit: Unknown

Listening to: "Rainy Zurich" by The Fray
Finally got around to getting their Scars & Stories album (which is currently $5 on Amazon, by the way).  I like it a lot. Favorite tracks so far: "Heartbeat", "48 to Go", "Rainy Zurich", and "Be Still".

List of crazy things that have happened/are happening in my life lately.

1. I got an A in golf. Actually, the fact that I passed golf is crazy. The fact that I got an A is just hilarious. I stopped going to class completely after February 22 (and skipped a few classes before then. I might have had a slight case of senioritis...). For that reason, it deserves to be first on my list.

2. I GRADUATED COLLEGE! How the past four years of my life went by so fast, I will never know. I will also never know how I managed to pack so many wonderful (and, let's be real, horrible) things into such a short amount of time. On that note, I'm moving on to my next thing on the list. (I know--I'm normally so nostalgic, right? This time around, I'm avoiding all my memories like the plague. College was wonderful and thinking about it being over makes me incredibly sad.)

Wonderful friends since day one. Love them so much.

So, so, so, so thankful for him. I love him a lot.

Family!

3. I got accepted into grad school. This fall, I'll be starting on my master's degree in Holistic Child Development. It's a program that's actually sponsored by Compassion International (which I LOVE). Basically, I'm getting a counseling degree (but not licensure, which is lame) that prepares me to work with children through non-profit service and advocacy organizations, both domestically and internationally. I'll be taking classes like…

• Community Interventions
• Social & Cultural Diversity
• Non-Profit Design & Evaluation
• Counseling Children & Adolescents
• Play Therapy
• Family Studies

…among others. It's a program that targets exactly what I want to do, and I am so excited about it!

4. I got an apartment. Finally not living on campus (as much as I have loved it. Really). Kristi and I found a place that's in a perfect location (so close to everything!), a good size, plus we finally get our own rooms. I'm excited. Now, just to get things organized...

Related: if anyone has any furniture that they don't want, particularly a couch or a dresser, let me know. We need it. Big time.

5. I got a job. This happened a little over a month ago, but I haven't exactly had a chance to update you all on my life, so…yeah. But get a job I did. I'm working as a secretary-type-thing for my Taekwondo instructor. Kind of random, but hey, it's a job, and I really do like it. It gets a little boring at times, but I love being around all the kids. They're hilarious. One of my favorite quotable moments:

5-year-old boy excitedly to his mom (and being 100% serious): "I finally know what I want to do!! When I get big, I want to be bald and fight bad guys! Then I won't have to go to school anymore!"

Sounds like a plan, buddy. School (and hair) is overrated anyway. Which is why I signed up for (at least) another year of it.

6. Weddings, weddings, weddings! (Not mine, of course.) Sooo many of my friends are getting married, it seems! Two good friends are getting married this weekend, then my wonderful roommate of all 4 years of college is getting married in two weeks. So exciting, and SO WEIRD.

So, that's my life lately. I am so, so, so relieved to be done with the semester and have a laid-back summer kind of life for a couple of months. So. Incredibly. Needed. I'm doing my best to line up a few posts so things aren't so dead around here anymore, but until then…!

Springtime and thunderstorms

Credit: Unknown

Listening to: "He Said" by Group 1 Crew
(Not usually a huge fan of theirs, but I seriously love this song. It's been stuck in my head for days. It's so catchy!)

(Quick sidenote: I wrote this post awhile back and am just now getting around to publishing it. I'll try to update you guys on what's been going on with me lately ASAP!)

I read something the other day that really stood out to me.

"Spring is for tornadoes and rainstorms as much as it’s for brilliant afternoons and bulbs poking fresh petals through damp dirt."*

Remember back in October when I wrote about autumn and the interesting balance of beauty and pain and how you can't have one without the other? At the time, the point I was trying to make was that pain always brings about a special kind of beauty that can be found nowhere else. Now, I'm beginning to see the other side of it as well.

When I think of spring, I tend to think of the happy, sunny side of things. It's when everything is coming back to life, when I can go outside and throw Frisbee and lay in hammocks, when it's warm and green and just beautiful. Everyone always talks about "waiting for spring" in a metaphorical sense, referring to life, waiting to come out of a painful situation and experience the good, happy side of life again.

We forget that even spring isn't all about the sunshine.

Spring is all about new growth and change and coming to life. And that happens to require a few thundershowers along the way. Yes, the most most difficult part--the dying that comes with autumn and winter--has passed. Still, spring has its own kind of pain, the kind that can only come with coming back to life after a long winter.

I'm finding that every season of life has its own kind of pain--or at least it should. Some runs deeper than the rest, but still: it is all pain. Pain, to me, is a sign of growth. If I am changing, growing, becoming, then pain is going to be an inevitable part of that.

Learning to truly love someone is hard.
Learning to accept grace and His blessings after realizing how much I don't deserve them is hard.
Learning to not stop seeking Him first, amidst the busyness of all He's given is hard. It shouldn't be, but it is.

They're good things, all of them. But they are not easy.

Spring isn't always easy. But the beauty of it is always worth it.

So here's to accepting spring for what it is: rain showers, sunshine, flowers, and a little bit of dirt. It's all necessary for the incredible growth that it continues to bring.

*From Sarah Markley's "The Brilliant Beckoning" at (in)courage

Lessons learned.

Listening to: "Hymn" by Brooke Fraser
My theme song of the moment. So simple and beautiful and good. I love her music! Possible post about this one soon? Maybe? We'll see.

Oh, what a year. I don't even know how to begin to describe it. Joy. Hope. Pain. Despair. Trust. Anxiety. Loss. So, so much gained. I have never experienced anything quite like it*, and to be perfectly honest, I'd rather not have to ever again!

Still, I know this is going to be one of those years that I look back on with so much amazement, and probably even a little bit of wishing for certain aspects of it to come back. Sometimes, the most beautiful things can only be found in the most painful times. I've experienced so much growth this year, so much change that needed to happen--big time. I love the times when I'm constantly learning, when things are constantly clicking in my head, and I finally get it. And boy, did I learn a lot. (That being said, I am still so glad this year is over! I will never pray for anything close to that ever again. God can teach me on His own time. LESSON LEARNED.)

I've kept up with blogging about a lot of the lessons I've learned this year as they were happening, so I won't go into crazy detail here, but I did feel the need to be really cliche and make a retrospective year-in-review (or lessons-in-review, as it may be) kind of post. :) It's more for myself than for anyone, but I figured I'd share anyway. Also, since there have been so many different lessons, I'll post it in parts. Part one today, the rest to come soon!

Highlights (in no particular order):**

1. Be still and know.
Life is not predictable. Things are not going to go the way I expect them to, and God is not going to work the way I think He should. One of my favorite verses is Psalm 46:10:

"Be still and know that I am God."

Apparently, an alternate translation of "be still" is "let go"--

"Let go and know that I am God."

Stop freaking out. Stop worrying. Stop trying to control everything. Just be still, let it go, and recognize that He is God and I am not. He's got it under control, so I need to let Him be in control.

2. Thankfulness.
Gratitude: it's something you hear a lot about, but generally don't make a conscious effort to include it in your daily life. At least, that's how it's been for me. This is a huge thing that God has been teaching me over the past several months. Thankfulness is not just a nice suggestion; it's vital to joy and contentment and keeping God first (which, consequently, are all tied very closely together!). Even when everything is going wrong, there is always something to be thankful for, even if you have to get down to the tiniest things. Sometimes, it's the little things that matter most.***

3. Seek Him first.

"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you as well."

- Matthew 6:33

God absolutely has to be first in my thoughts, in my heart, in my life. My whole life needs to be centered around Him. When it all comes down to it, He really is the only thing that matters. A relationship, a career, a life goal, whatever--if anything else is getting most of my attention and is what I'm striving for most, then something is wrong. He is the "prize," if you will. Nothing else.

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ."

- Philippians 3:7-8

I've always kind of understood that in my head, but this is the first time it's really clicked, and the first time that I've made a conscious effort to make it my way of life.**** Because it does require effort, constant effort, which brings me to my next point...

4. Perseverance: Keep pushing.
Everything is a process. Keeping the main goal in sight is absolutely crucial, because otherwise, you will never make it anywhere. The rest of life is way too distracting, and when things get painful and doubt starts creeping in, perspective is nearly impossible to maintain. The only way I've been able to keep going is because I've been doing my best to keep Lesson #3 in the front of my mind as much as I possibly can. My mindset: Push through the pain now, because it's the only way through. It will hurt, but the end will be worth it. And then (like now), once the pain is past, the goal still has to be in sight because at that point, it's the only motivation you have. There are no breaks here; it's a daily choice to make for the rest of your life.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

- Philippians 3:12-14

5. Blessings in disguise.
Sometimes, God's best does not come in the form we expect. Sometimes, His blessings come to us in really heartbreaking ways. Sometimes, pain is proof that God loves us.

God knows what's best for us. The thing is, it usually takes a good deal of pain to actually get there. Rarely can we get to where He wants us to be without giving up certain things we have now. Gaining His best often requires a lot of loss on our part. That isn't to say that we don't gain so much more--we do--but loss is always painful. And sometimes, there are things in our hearts that have to be removed, and a lot of times, it requires a great deal of pain to bring it to the surface. In the end, if we handle it correctly, pain will always bring us closer to God. Isn't that in itself worth it?

"You said, 'I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart, then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear,
Remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.'"
- "Let It All Out" by Relient K

6. Dig deep: Finding purpose in the pain.
When it comes to dealing with pain, we have two options: Face it head on or bury it with distractions. Option one actually gets us somewhere, while option two is only going to make things hurt even more in the end.

Finding purpose in the hardest times requires us to do some serious soul-searching. It means digging deep and making some changes that we may not have even realized we needed. I'm not saying that every painful situation is a result of something we've done wrong, because that's definitely not the case. Still, every painful situation can be used to grow, and growth almost always requires change. Hard? Very. Worth it? Most definitely.

(Click here for part 2!)

*I do have to say, though--it's had its fair share of similarities to 2009! Kind of scary in some ways. Both were definitely big years for learning and growing and maturing in major ways. Just different ones.
**It was kind of hard for me to divide these up into a nice little list because all of these lessons are so related and intertwined and often inseparable. But…I did my best.
***Keeping a list of "the little things" I'm thankful for has become one of my favorite things. It's amazing how much you miss when you aren't looking! God really is so good.
****This is such a basic concept, I know, and it's one I've heard all my life, but the meaning of it didn't click until this year. Maybe I'm a little slow, but the basic, foundational stuff has been big for me lately. It's like I'm finally getting it, not just in my mind, but in my heart, because I'm actually experiencing it and having to make the conscious decision to include it in my life.

"Thou and thou only first in my heart..."

Currently thankful for: Christmas movies, candles, finally getting paid, and last but most definitely not least, BEING DONE WITH THIS SEMESTER. Enough said about that!

Keeping God first is the hardest thing.

It should be so easy. I mean, seriously--He's so, so good, and absolutely everything I could possibly need. I have more joy and am more content with Him than I am at any other time. So why is it that my heart jumps at the chance to replace Him at the slightest opportunity? I'll never understand that. It doesn't make sense.

The past couple of weeks have been a struggle to make sure He stays first in my heart, my thoughts, my life. I've already failed at it more than once. Falling back into old patterns is all too easy, but I'm learning to recognize them--and to recognize what I need to do to avoid them. As hard as it is to discipline myself like this, it has forced me to be in a near-constant state of prayer, just to keep my head above water.

Sometimes, I forget that surrender and putting God first is a process, not an event. It's not something that I do once and for all, never having to think about it again. Instead, it's something I have to do constantly and will have to continue until the day that I die. I will never come to a point when I can say, "Wow, I'm glad that's over with. I learned a lot and now God is first; I don't have to focus on keeping Him there anymore." Yet that's what has happened every single time I've come through a hard situation. And guess what? As soon as I stop focusing on Him so intently, everything slowly begins to fall apart again.

Will I ever learn?

Even if He chooses to move me to the next stage of the process, a happier time, that doesn't mean I'm supposed to stop clinging to Him, or even loosen my grip. And even if He doesn't fulfill what I'm hoping for, that doesn't mean I'm supposed to suddenly trust Him any less. Because even if He doesn't, I will still trust Him. I will still love Him. I will still follow Him, knowing that His plan is best.

"Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, 'King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.'"

- Daniel 3:16-18

That has become one of the most profound verses in the Bible to me, and one of my biggest lessons over the past several months. Those guys knew what God could do, even what they truly believed that He would do, and certainly they wanted to be rescued, but in the end, it really didn't matter. Their faith was in Him, not in what He could do. It's the same reason Abraham was able to obey when God told him to sacrifice Isaac. Abraham knew what God had promised him, but he had to be willing to let go of even that--even the promise--and trust that God is faithful. Even if He doesn't, He is faithful.

"Thou and Thou only first in my heart
High King of Heaven, my treasure, Thou art."

Just like autumn

Photo Credit: julkusiowa

Currently thankful for: Gorgeous fall weather, trips to Chilhowee to see the leaves and watch the sunset, random trips to Jenkins with good friends, good music, hot chocolate!
(Also, a sense of humor to laugh at the worst awkward situations. Seriously, my life is destined to be a sitcom. Things happen to me that happen on episodes of Friends, not in real life. Except they do happen in my life. I guess I should be used to it by now.)

As I'm writing this, I'm at one of my favorite places: a big rock on top of a mountain, overlooking a lake and a beautiful sunset, with colorful leaves fluttering around me, crunching when I walk.

Autumn is my favorite time of year.

Ironic, because not only is it the most beautiful season to me, it's also one of the saddest. Everything is dying, and I know that soon, the trees will be bare, the grass will be brown, and I'll be stuck indoors until March.

Still, without the death that autumn brings, there can be no changing leaves, no color, no bonfires or caramel apples, none of the vibrance of the season that I love the most. The best things can't come without pain.

And yes, spring will come eventually. New life always follows death. Things won't hurt forever. And I do love springtime as well. The warmth, the flowers, the green, the birds. It's a close second favorite.

Even so, there's just something special about the fall.

The more I experience, the more I go through the changes of life, the more I begin to realize: there's something special about the hardest times. Yes, they hurt so much, and no, I probably wouldn't choose them if given an option. But it's through this kind of pain that the most beautiful changes come. Somehow, the most joy comes in the times that hurt the most. Sometimes, it's not about pushing through and waiting for the hard times to be over; it's about finding the incredible joy that can only be found in them. It's something I don't understand, but it's the most special kind of joy and peace that I've ever experienced.

It's the hardest times that force things in me to die. And when they die, I learn what it means to really live. I learn to see Him again.

When I am weak, He is strong.
Whoever loses his life will gain it.
Dying, we live.

Sometimes, the beauty can only be found in the loss. Just like autumn.

Linked: A Holy Experience

Trust and obey.

Listening to: "Light Up The Sky" by The Afters
(It's amazing to me how God can use a simple song to be so comforting. This song has made it to the top of my iTunes most played list within the past couple of days. It's a good one.)

"There is no ongoing spiritual life without this process of letting go. At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops. If we hold tightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul."

- Elisabeth Elliot

Trust. It seems to be the number one recurring theme in my life, a lesson I'm constantly learning in various degrees, in a variety of ways.

Sometimes it's exciting.
Sometimes it's scary.
Sometimes it's painful.

And then there are the times when it becomes so frightening and excruciating that you feel like you can't survive, when understanding is nonexistent, and you feel as if God has completely blindsided you for no particular reason.

Now is one of those times.

I never expected to be here, but since when does God work within my expectations? If there was any other way, I would have chosen it, but in this case, God gave me no other option. Once again, I had to come to terms with the fact that I have to trust Him and obey whatever He tells me, even when it hurts. Even when doesn't make sense. I have no idea what's coming next. I've never been very good at predicting the future (case in point) but I always seem to try anyway. This time, though? The only thing I can do is take life one step at a time, because everything is completely out of my hands at this point. All I can do is trust. And, somehow, that has to be okay.


"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised."

- Hebrews 10:36

"I am changing..."

Have you ever known that you're in the middle of a big transition? It's weird. I think that, normally, I don't really recognize when I'm in the transition; I only see it after it's already occurred. This time is different: something is changing and I know it.

It's going to be a good change for me, and as much as it scares me, I'm also really excited. I've been completely stuck for over a year and a half now, and honestly, most of the time, I thought things were never going to change. All I knew is that I had been trying for what seemed like forever, and I literally could not get out, one way or the other. The fact that things are finally shifting is a God-thing, 100%.

Now, I'm just processing a lot. I've been having all these random flashbacks of stuff that I really haven't thought much about in awhile, and it's weird. It's as if I still have all of this stuff from the past year and a half, and it's still very much a part of me--a huge part--but now I don't know what to do with all of it. Obviously, it's not going away. I am who I am because of it, and I'm thankful. But it's like everything has to be rearranged now, and I don't quite know what to do about it. It's a strange feeling. It doesn't really feel good, but it's not necessarily bad, either. I don't know how to describe it.

So that's where I am right now. I'm not really sure what it means, or where I'm heading, but I do know that things are going to be different. Right now, that's all I really care about.

Another lyrical update

It's amazing to me how some songs seem to sum up exactly how I'm feeling in just a few words. (I think the second verse is my favorite.) :)

"Breathe" by Anberlin
"This is surrender
To a war-torn life I've lived
Scars and stripes forever
In need of change I can't resist

No need to hide anything anymore
Can't return to who I was before

I can finally breathe
Suddenly alive
I can finally move
The world feels revived

This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside

I can finally breathe
Suddenly alive
I can finally move
'Cause I realize"

"I'll be found in You...still standing."

"I am changing, less and less asleep.
Made of different stuff than when I began."
- "Shadowfeet" by Brooke Fraser

I feel like that one quote sums up this year for me (if that's even possible).* I can't even explain it completely—it just is what it is. This year...I don't even know how to describe it. I have never learned so much within a single span of twelve months in my entire life. It has, by far, been one of the hardest years of my life, yet I can't call it bad. It has changed me so much. I am definitely not the same person I was a year ago, but in a good way. I'm wiser, more mature, and more aware of myself, others, and life in general. My relationship with God is different, too. It's closer and based on more trust than ever before. It's amazing, really.

One running theme throughout this year has definitely been adventure. Not just in the normal sense (though with a trip to Utah and Arizona, hiking, whitewater rafting, camping, and everything else, there was plenty of that, too!), but just life in general. Completely new experiences; never knowing what's coming next; scary, yet fun; never easy, but always rewarding...yeah, that's this year for sure. I've had to trust God like never before. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I trust Him 100%, no question. I've always trusted Him, but this year has brought about a new element of it that I've never had before.

I've cried more this year than I can remember doing in a long time, but I've also laughed more than ever. I lost a good friend for the first time, but I also gained so many amazing new ones. I had to make decisions that I've never had to make before, but through that, God reassured me more than ever. I guess there have been a lot of extremes. It's funny how it all balances out somehow.**

"When the world has fallen out from under me,
I'll be found in You, still standing.
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees,
When time and space are through, I'll be found in You."

* I love finding songs that describe my life to me. It always gives me chills (and usually results in some pretty obsessive listening...). I have to say, I think the craziest one was when I heard "Lonely Tonight" by Matt Wertz last month (see my post from November 3). Everything, down to the exact month and length of time. So weird.

** There you have it--my standard, super-reflective, end-of-the-year post. I can't help it; I try really hard to not go overboard, but I have to be introspective on here sometimes. :)

"The eve of an ending..."

Lonely Tonight

Matt Wertz

6th and Green is a warm place in November
When the air is cold and the leaves blow on the ground
And I don't think that I can even remember
Why it was that I came to this town

'Cause I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my Maker in this cold moonlight

This is me on the eve of an ending
To what I've known's been constant for a year
And I'm so scared of this pain that I'll be sending
Sometimes I just want to run away in fear

But I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my Maker in this cold moonlight

No, I haven't heard your voice in two weeks now
And anticipation's been wearing me thin
And I just can't help but wonderin', baby, if somehow
We could tear these pages out and begin again

Because I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my Maker in this cold moonlight
I just want to be lonely tonight
With no one around to see the sight
Of me lying here

'Cause this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
I said, this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
And I don't want to be lonely

But I won't be lonely tonight
Because my Maker's holding me