How to help you grow.

Growing, changing, learning, discovering--all some of my favorite things. It's the process that I love, rather than the final destination. In the middle of things, I usually find myself wishing for something more straightforward, more cut-and-dried, longing for some concrete, step-by-step instructions to just figure it out already! Yet, in the end, that isn't what satisfies me because that isn't what makes me grow. That isn't what makes the lessons part of who I am.

I've learned this about myself over the course of the past few years. And I love seeing that same process in other people. The problem: I'm not very good at letting that process happen in other people, especially those closest to me.

So often, I see someone struggling with something so similar to what I've dealt with in the past. I want so badly for them to come to the same understanding that I have--lessons in grace, thankfulness, joy, perseverance...whatever it may be. Unfortunately, I tend to lay it out for them as a step-by-step plan of action (or try to condense all of the details and connections and everything that made my experience meaningful into a little bite-sized speech that loses its significance). I forget that God doesn't work inside a box. He doesn't work the same way in every person. The lessons might ultimately be the same, but the process by which they're learned is unique to each person.

God is personal. He's relational, and that's how He teaches us. The way He communicates with my best friend or my boyfriend or my little brother might be completely unrecognizable to me at first glance...

...and that's a good thing.

It's such proof of how well God knows each of us, not just on a surface level but deeply. He knows how our minds work, He knows our hearts, and He knows exactly what makes us tick. He gets me enough to know to communicate with me through books and lyrics and falling leaves. He knows the jumps my mind makes to connect seemingly unrelated ideas into something so profound.

He knows I'll get it.

If He can do that for me on such a deeply personal level, won't He do the same for everyone else, communicating with them in ways that I might not understand?

The thing is, I understand the concept mentally. I get it. And that leaves me here: how do I live like I get it? How does it look in real life? Because that's what I want to do, both with my life and in my relationships.

I want to be able to foster that kind of growth in other people without resorting to giving unnecessary advice and telling them what they need to do.* I want to help other people discover the answers for themselves, because really, that's what it's all about anyway. That's how we grow, and I want to help people grow. I want to be able to step back and let God do His thing and not get in the way. Still, there's a place for human influence. Where's the balance between sitting back and doing nothing and going too far?

I don't know.

I don't have the answers this time.

This is one of those posts I can't wrap up nice and neat, because I'm still trying to figure it out myself. So I'm asking--have you ever wrestled with this before? I know that the answer varies from situation to situation, but what have some of your experiences been?**

And, I don't know. Maybe this is one of those things that can't ever really be answered, because it can't be put into a box. Maybe there isn't an answer. Maybe it just has to be lived and figured out along the way, different for every single situation. And maybe I need to be okay with that.

*I definitely think advice has its place, but right now, I need to learn not to give it. I have a tendency to think I have the answers, when in reality, I don't at all.

**Think about this in terms of personal relationships, like friendships or marriage or even children, on a spiritual level. That's where I struggle most. How do you help someone grow spiritually without trying to give them all the answers?

Be still.

Listening to: "Crazy Girl" by Eli Young Band
I have been in a HUGE country mood lately. It's such perfect music for summer. This band is one of my favorites for sure!

“You have made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find peace in You.”

- Augustine's Confessions

A year ago, I wrote about my need to simply be still, to know that God was and is in control, to just trust.

A year later, not much has changed.

Scratch that--pretty much everything has changed (thank. God. SERIOUSLY). But that is one thing that does remain the same. I'm at a very, very different place in life now than I was then, but my need to be still and rest only in Him is still huge. It's still difficult.

I am not the kind of person who thrives on busyness. Quite frankly, I think this need that everyone seems to have to be crazy busy all the time is ridiculous.* However, as much as I don't generally want to be busy 24/7, lately, I've wanted to avoid being alone, sitting, having time to hear myself think. Because when I'm alone, that's when the thoughts and the fears start to come, and I just want to get away, to have someone, so I don't have to think about it.

Fear can be so pervasive. Scars can run deeper than you think. When it's just me and God, when I don't have the option of turning to someone else, it means I have to look certain things square in the eye and deal with them…like the fact that I sometimes struggle to trust Him, because I know that trusting Him sometimes leads to very painful places. Beautiful places, yes, but painful ones as well (usually, it's both simultaneously). I get scared of what comes next. I get scared of where loving Him most might lead me. I get scared that I won't be able to love Him most!

And that's when grace comes in. Again. And accepting grace means I have to be still and trust Him and let Him love me and prove over and over again that He is good.

He isn't safe--never safe--but He is very, very good.

Because of that, I can choose to rest in Him and let Him help me face all my fears. I can trust that, however He chooses to go about it, He will always keep His promises. He will always give me His very best.

"You don't have to feel safe to feel unafraid."
- "Lions!" by LIGHTS

Also: this song. So good.

"When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am."
- "Be Still" by The Fray

*Obviously, I understand that every person is different, but when it gets to the point where all you talk about is how busy you are and have these weird conversations that imply whoever has the busiest schedule is somehow superior… I think it's safe to say there's a problem. It's one thing to be unavoidably busy. Everyone has those times. My entire last semester was one of those times! However, it's quite another to choose to be ridiculously busy all. the. time. and then complain about it every waking moment. One of my biggest pet peeves ever. (I could vent about this for awhile, because it's something that frustrates me a lot, but…I'll spare you. I just hate the pressure to be busy for the sake of being busy! The fact that I choose to say no to filling up every minute of my schedule does not mean that I am lazy or inferior. End mini rant.) (P.S. I know approximately a billion people who do this. It's kind of a general American cultural thing, it seems. In other words, don't think I'm attacking anyone. This isn't being directed at any individual. Promise!)

Lessons learned.

Listening to: "Hymn" by Brooke Fraser
My theme song of the moment. So simple and beautiful and good. I love her music! Possible post about this one soon? Maybe? We'll see.

Oh, what a year. I don't even know how to begin to describe it. Joy. Hope. Pain. Despair. Trust. Anxiety. Loss. So, so much gained. I have never experienced anything quite like it*, and to be perfectly honest, I'd rather not have to ever again!

Still, I know this is going to be one of those years that I look back on with so much amazement, and probably even a little bit of wishing for certain aspects of it to come back. Sometimes, the most beautiful things can only be found in the most painful times. I've experienced so much growth this year, so much change that needed to happen--big time. I love the times when I'm constantly learning, when things are constantly clicking in my head, and I finally get it. And boy, did I learn a lot. (That being said, I am still so glad this year is over! I will never pray for anything close to that ever again. God can teach me on His own time. LESSON LEARNED.)

I've kept up with blogging about a lot of the lessons I've learned this year as they were happening, so I won't go into crazy detail here, but I did feel the need to be really cliche and make a retrospective year-in-review (or lessons-in-review, as it may be) kind of post. :) It's more for myself than for anyone, but I figured I'd share anyway. Also, since there have been so many different lessons, I'll post it in parts. Part one today, the rest to come soon!

Highlights (in no particular order):**

1. Be still and know.
Life is not predictable. Things are not going to go the way I expect them to, and God is not going to work the way I think He should. One of my favorite verses is Psalm 46:10:

"Be still and know that I am God."

Apparently, an alternate translation of "be still" is "let go"--

"Let go and know that I am God."

Stop freaking out. Stop worrying. Stop trying to control everything. Just be still, let it go, and recognize that He is God and I am not. He's got it under control, so I need to let Him be in control.

2. Thankfulness.
Gratitude: it's something you hear a lot about, but generally don't make a conscious effort to include it in your daily life. At least, that's how it's been for me. This is a huge thing that God has been teaching me over the past several months. Thankfulness is not just a nice suggestion; it's vital to joy and contentment and keeping God first (which, consequently, are all tied very closely together!). Even when everything is going wrong, there is always something to be thankful for, even if you have to get down to the tiniest things. Sometimes, it's the little things that matter most.***

3. Seek Him first.

"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you as well."

- Matthew 6:33

God absolutely has to be first in my thoughts, in my heart, in my life. My whole life needs to be centered around Him. When it all comes down to it, He really is the only thing that matters. A relationship, a career, a life goal, whatever--if anything else is getting most of my attention and is what I'm striving for most, then something is wrong. He is the "prize," if you will. Nothing else.

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ."

- Philippians 3:7-8

I've always kind of understood that in my head, but this is the first time it's really clicked, and the first time that I've made a conscious effort to make it my way of life.**** Because it does require effort, constant effort, which brings me to my next point...

4. Perseverance: Keep pushing.
Everything is a process. Keeping the main goal in sight is absolutely crucial, because otherwise, you will never make it anywhere. The rest of life is way too distracting, and when things get painful and doubt starts creeping in, perspective is nearly impossible to maintain. The only way I've been able to keep going is because I've been doing my best to keep Lesson #3 in the front of my mind as much as I possibly can. My mindset: Push through the pain now, because it's the only way through. It will hurt, but the end will be worth it. And then (like now), once the pain is past, the goal still has to be in sight because at that point, it's the only motivation you have. There are no breaks here; it's a daily choice to make for the rest of your life.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

- Philippians 3:12-14

5. Blessings in disguise.
Sometimes, God's best does not come in the form we expect. Sometimes, His blessings come to us in really heartbreaking ways. Sometimes, pain is proof that God loves us.

God knows what's best for us. The thing is, it usually takes a good deal of pain to actually get there. Rarely can we get to where He wants us to be without giving up certain things we have now. Gaining His best often requires a lot of loss on our part. That isn't to say that we don't gain so much more--we do--but loss is always painful. And sometimes, there are things in our hearts that have to be removed, and a lot of times, it requires a great deal of pain to bring it to the surface. In the end, if we handle it correctly, pain will always bring us closer to God. Isn't that in itself worth it?

"You said, 'I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart, then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear,
Remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.'"
- "Let It All Out" by Relient K

6. Dig deep: Finding purpose in the pain.
When it comes to dealing with pain, we have two options: Face it head on or bury it with distractions. Option one actually gets us somewhere, while option two is only going to make things hurt even more in the end.

Finding purpose in the hardest times requires us to do some serious soul-searching. It means digging deep and making some changes that we may not have even realized we needed. I'm not saying that every painful situation is a result of something we've done wrong, because that's definitely not the case. Still, every painful situation can be used to grow, and growth almost always requires change. Hard? Very. Worth it? Most definitely.

(Click here for part 2!)

*I do have to say, though--it's had its fair share of similarities to 2009! Kind of scary in some ways. Both were definitely big years for learning and growing and maturing in major ways. Just different ones.
**It was kind of hard for me to divide these up into a nice little list because all of these lessons are so related and intertwined and often inseparable. But…I did my best.
***Keeping a list of "the little things" I'm thankful for has become one of my favorite things. It's amazing how much you miss when you aren't looking! God really is so good.
****This is such a basic concept, I know, and it's one I've heard all my life, but the meaning of it didn't click until this year. Maybe I'm a little slow, but the basic, foundational stuff has been big for me lately. It's like I'm finally getting it, not just in my mind, but in my heart, because I'm actually experiencing it and having to make the conscious decision to include it in my life.

Just keep swimming...

Listening to: "1000 Ships (Acoustic" by Rachel Platten
Just discovered her today (yes, another NoiseTrade find). I really like this song, and "Nothing Ever Happens" isn't too bad either. Pretty good stuff!

"Never, never, never give up."
- Winston Churchill

Perseverance.

Out of all of the lessons that I've learned this year (and trust me, there have been a lot!), this has been one of the biggest, and it's one I'm still struggling to get. Pushing all the way through has never been my strong point. I'm great at starting things, and even figuring out what I need to do to get to the end goal, but when it comes to actually following through with it--completely? Not so much. It's a major weakness of mine that I didn't even recognize until this year.*

At the beginning of anything, I typically have one of two things to motivate me: pain or excitement. Either things are too painful not to move forward, or I'm really excited about what's happening, so moving forward isn't even a question--I want to! Unfortunately, neither one lasts. There always comes a point when all emotion wears off. That's when who I really am comes to the surface.

Do I really love Him enough to keep pursuing Him first?
Do I really trust Him enough to keep following Him, even if He doesn't?
Am I really finding my contentment in Him alone?
Am I really willing to wait patiently for Him, not jumping ahead, no matter how long it takes?

Or am I just fooling myself, lying not only to myself, but to Him as well?

They're all questions I've been grappling with lately, trying so hard to come to an honest answer…and to do whatever I possibly can to make sure my answer is, without question, YES. Lately, it's been coming down to sheer determination…and lots of prayer! I cannot afford to give up. Not now.

Goal: keep pushing, no matter how hard it gets. Because the end is worth it.

"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith."

- Hebrews 12:1-2

*There have been a lot of those this year, actually--weaknesses I didn't know I had coming to the surface. It's beyond humbling (not to mention painful) when you have to come to terms with how messed up you really are. I was already plenty aware of the fact that I'm not perfect, but this year has taken it to a whole new level!

Just like autumn

Photo Credit: julkusiowa

Currently thankful for: Gorgeous fall weather, trips to Chilhowee to see the leaves and watch the sunset, random trips to Jenkins with good friends, good music, hot chocolate!
(Also, a sense of humor to laugh at the worst awkward situations. Seriously, my life is destined to be a sitcom. Things happen to me that happen on episodes of Friends, not in real life. Except they do happen in my life. I guess I should be used to it by now.)

As I'm writing this, I'm at one of my favorite places: a big rock on top of a mountain, overlooking a lake and a beautiful sunset, with colorful leaves fluttering around me, crunching when I walk.

Autumn is my favorite time of year.

Ironic, because not only is it the most beautiful season to me, it's also one of the saddest. Everything is dying, and I know that soon, the trees will be bare, the grass will be brown, and I'll be stuck indoors until March.

Still, without the death that autumn brings, there can be no changing leaves, no color, no bonfires or caramel apples, none of the vibrance of the season that I love the most. The best things can't come without pain.

And yes, spring will come eventually. New life always follows death. Things won't hurt forever. And I do love springtime as well. The warmth, the flowers, the green, the birds. It's a close second favorite.

Even so, there's just something special about the fall.

The more I experience, the more I go through the changes of life, the more I begin to realize: there's something special about the hardest times. Yes, they hurt so much, and no, I probably wouldn't choose them if given an option. But it's through this kind of pain that the most beautiful changes come. Somehow, the most joy comes in the times that hurt the most. Sometimes, it's not about pushing through and waiting for the hard times to be over; it's about finding the incredible joy that can only be found in them. It's something I don't understand, but it's the most special kind of joy and peace that I've ever experienced.

It's the hardest times that force things in me to die. And when they die, I learn what it means to really live. I learn to see Him again.

When I am weak, He is strong.
Whoever loses his life will gain it.
Dying, we live.

Sometimes, the beauty can only be found in the loss. Just like autumn.

Linked: A Holy Experience

Be Thou My Vision

Currently thankful for: The best friends...ever, Inman St. Coffeehouse (but not caffeine)*, gorgeous fall weather, and the fact that fall break starts in 5 days!
(I've been trying my best to keep a running list of the little things I find to be thankful for on any given day. It's kind of amazing how much it helps me in keeping a good perspective on things!)

This song has been on my mind so much over the past few days. Sometimes, old hymns are the best thing I can possibly hear. The lyrics are so simple, yet so sincere and beautiful. I love how, even though this was originally written in the 8th century--1,300 years ago--it's still exactly how I feel now.

"Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart,
naught be all else to me, save that thou art;
Thou my best thought by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

Be thou my wisdom, thou my true word,
I ever with thee and thou with me Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with thee one.

Be thou my breastplate, sword for the fight;
Be thou my dignity, thou my delight;
Thou my soul's shelter, thou my high tower:
Raise thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise:
Thou mine inheritance now and always;
Thou and thou only first in my heart;
High King of Heaven, my treasure thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O Bright Heaven's sun!;
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O Ruler of all."

*Who needs drugs when you have caffeine? Seriously, my body freaks out whenever I have it, even in small doses. A regular cup of coffee makes me jittery and on edge for a full 12 hours. No lie. Please, if you're ever with me, always force me to get decaf! In other news, the new Inman St. Coffeehouse is awesome and if you haven't been, you should go. It's cheaper (and better, in my opinion) than Starbucks, they're open until 11:00 every night, the profits go to support the Salvation Army, and they have Guitar Hero. What else do you need?

Blessings in disguise

"Birdsong" via We Heart It

Listening to: "Strong Enough to Save" by Tenth Avenue North

(Yet another song that has come at the perfect time. I like how God tends to speak to me through the things I enjoy the most: music, books, nature, friends... It's kinda cool, really.)

(I have a lot to say lately. To avoid writing the longest blog of the century, however, I think I'm going to break it up into smaller pieces. It's a little too much to take in all at once, even for me!)

I was reading some of my old posts the other day, and I came across one I wrote back in April that made me laugh. It wasn't actually funny, but oh, the irony! Life wasn't bad, just really boring and routine, and I was getting tired of it. I even went so far as to say that I missed sophomore year. Ha! Well, wish no more, because I'm pretty sure I'm living out fall 2009, round two. They're so parallel, it's a little freaky. That's what I get for asking God to teach me something. Never again! From here on out, I will be content with boredom and let Him teach me on His own time. This isn't quite what I signed up for! Geez.

Anyway. As promised, I wanted to blog about this song:

Blessings
Laura Story

"We pray for blessings, we pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

And all the while, you hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

And what if my greatest disappointments

Or the achings of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?"

I think I could go on for days about these lyrics. To be honest, this isn't the kind of song I would typically like, but the lyrics are so meaningful that I can't help myself.* I heard it so many times this summer (it made me cry almost every time, but at the same time, I tried my hardest to ignore it. What my problem was, I don't know). The other day, though, I was driving around by myself for 3 hours straight, and it came on at the most perfect time possible. I've been hooked ever since. It is so fitting to where I am right now. A few lines I wanted to comment on...

* * *

"All the while, You hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things."

Whoa. It hit me so hard the first time I realized what this actually said. God does hear every word I say; He's not up there ignoring me or withholding the things I so desperately want just for the heck of it. When God says no, it's for my benefit. Always. If what I'm asking for is less than what is ultimately best for me, He loves me too much to give it to me. He can't give me less than His absolute best. It sounds cliché in some ways, but when that kind of realization really hits you, it's huge. That's something I've been trying to get through my head lately. It's not easy. Most of the time, I feel like, "Well, I don't want better. I just want this!" Yet I can't see what's ahead. I have no idea what's coming next in my life. In reality, I have no idea what I really need. I just have to trust that He does.

* * *

"We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear. We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near. We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love, as if every promise from Your Word is not enough."

Well, that's my summer summed up in three sentences. Praying over and over and over for wisdom, for God to speak to me, to know what the heck I'm supposed to do next, yet...no answer. It's so frustrating, and yeah, anger has been my response a good bit of the time.

A couple of weeks ago at church, Allan Lockerman pointed out something that I had never thought about before.** He was talking about Isaiah 50:10-11, and at one point, it refers to trusting "in the Name of the Lord." Not in the Lord--in His Name. I've always kind of wondered about that, but assumed there was no distinction. Not so. He explained that, particularly in Hebrew culture, someone's name is who they are, their character. I can't always sense that God is near, but I can always trust Him to be true to Himself. I can always trust that His character will never change.

I doubt God so much, yet I have no legitimate reason whatsoever. He has proved Himself over and over again, not only in the lives of others, but in mine. He has never, ever shown Himself to be anything less than what He says...but still, I doubt. Why? He has promised me so much. That should be enough, even if I don't see it right now.

* * *

"What if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are Your mercies in disguise?"

This is a concept I've struggled to grasp. I get it in my head, and I can totally apply it to other people. Actually, I can usually apply it to myself, but this time? I've had a really, really hard time with it. I think I'm starting to get it though. I don't understand much of anything that's happened over the past few months, but I'm coming the the conclusion: the less I understand and the harder the situation, the less I can depend on myself. That forces me to depend on God, causing me to trust Him and grow closer to Him. Even aside from the fact that it could be preparing me for something I can't see yet, or protecting me, or whatever...isn't that in itself worth it? He's worth everything. Knowing Him is the most important thing. Whatever it takes to get that is absolutely worth it, no question.

"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28

* Generally speaking, I haven't been a huge fan of Christian music for the past few years. Lately though, I'm finding myself listening to it more and more. Go figure. 
** Common occurrence. I love that man. 

"I've got joy down in my heart..."

Listening to: "All I Need" by Mat Kearney

(Still not over my Mat Kearney obsession. This song is the best. Love, love, love it.)

To continue the updates on my busy summer... Right after getting back from Europe, I headed to work 3 weeks at Camp JOY! When I say right after, I'm not kidding--I got home, washed clothes, re-packed, went to bed, and got up at 6:45 the next morning to head off to camp. It was worth it, but I can't say that I recommend it!

Quick rundown on how I ended up working there to begin with: I typically work youth camp down in Tifton every summer, but this year, I didn't really want to. It's a great camp, don't get me wrong, but since it is a Church of God camp, I just don't agree with a lot of what they teach there. The more I thought about it, the less comfortable I became with the idea. I just couldn't justify being responsible for teaching kids things that I don't personally believe. Anyway, not working camp meant losing a lot of scholarship money, and the job market was not looking great. It's not in my nature to stress out about stuff, generally speaking, and I really wasn't, but at the same time, I really did need a job! I wanted to work a camp because I really love doing that, but since I wasn't doing youth camp, I figured that was probably out of the question. Well, a couple of weeks before last semester ended, I was sitting out on the ped mall, hanging out with people, the usual, when I get a phone call from Mrs. Victoria (my friend Emily's mom). Kinda random, since I never talk to her on the phone. I answered and she said that there was a Lee University bus in Columbus and she was wondering if I knew what it might be for. I thought that was a little strange--I have no clue why a Lee bus would be down there at all. Anyway, we talked for a few minutes and out of the blue, she asks,

"Hey, do you need a job this summer?"

Um, yes!

"There's this camp for underprivileged kids and they really need college students to be on staff. I think you would be awesome at it!"

She told me that she'd give the camp director, Laura, my name and let her get in touch with me on Facebook. The next day, I got a message from Laura telling me that I had come super highly recommended and that she really wanted to have me on staff. She sent me an application, and all of a sudden, I realized: the mandatory training week was right in the middle of when I'd be in Europe. Dangit. At this point, I kinda figured I wouldn't be able to work there, so I told Laura. However, she told me, "If you're interested in working, I am totally willing to train you before your trip!" So awesome.

When I got home, I had to go in for an interview in order to get the position. Since I had been away at school, Laura let me bring in my application then, too. Interview went well, and when it was over, Laura was like, "So, I hope you don't mind, but I've already submitted your name as being our girls' head counselor. I'm technically not supposed to tell you this yet, but...you're hired." Yeah--she hired me before meeting me or receiving my application. And not only did she hire me, she hired me to work the highest position at camp, besides her own. What the heck.

So yeah, Lee bus randomly shows up in my hometown. Friend's mom happens to see it, thinks of me, and calls me. Random conversation ensues, inspiring her to #1, ask if I need a job, and #2, tell me about a job that happens to be exactly what I wanted. God works out the only glitch (minor detail of me being out of the country during a mandatory week). I get the highest staff position without even turning in an application. Um, can we say God thing? When I say that God gave me the job, I'm not kidding.

Back to camp. It was awesome. Seriously. I loved the kids immediately. Really, really loved them. It was so weird how quickly it happened--it surprised even me! Especially since these kids weren't the easiest bunch to deal with. Every day, I worked in the craft room alongside Mrs. Helen (don't even get me started on her! Crazy. Old. Woman. Not even kidding), building 3,000 birdhouses and coloring. I was in charge of teaching Bible study for the 9- and 10-year-olds. That was interesting. I had the VBS Teacher's Guide and that's about it. I had virtually no materials to work with, and keeping 9- & 10-year-olds entertained for a full hour is no easy task. It was pretty rough at first, but I got the hang of it eventually. Well, sort of.

The first week, the kids were full of questions. One girl, Marjorie, was so sweet and had this innocent curiosity that I absolutely loved. She asked me so many great questions, and I loved having the chance to answer them! (I have to say, my favorite was after our lesson on Zacchaeus, she was asking how short he was. When I said I didn't know, she asked if she could Google him and find pictures. Hahaha.)

The big adventure of week one: Lice. Ahhhh. We sent 10 girls home with it. Ohhh my gosh. My head was itching for 2 weeks every time I would think about it. We thought things were going okay, but on the third day, we found 2 girls who had it really, really bad (like, you could see the lice crawling on the outside of their hair). Then we discovered that it had spread. A lot. On the last night, we ended up having to clean out the cabins and have everyone sleep in the cafeteria, in hopes that no one else would catch it. It was bad. Fortunately, for the remaining weeks, we checked their hair before going to camp.

Second week, the girls in my cabin were hilarious. Seriously. I documented a few of their quotes here, but there are so many other things that I can't even remember anymore. Loved them. Anyway, I realized that we had three hiking trails at camp, and not one of them had been used. Being me, I decided to change that immediately. Our first lesson of the week was about creation, so I took all of the girls in my Bible study on a hike! Yay!

One of my favorite moments of the second week was on the first night. One of the girls in my cabin, Tatiana, needed to go take something to her sister, who was in another cabin. I walked over with her, and on our way back, I looked up at the sky. The stars were especially bright, and then I spotted the Big Dipper. It was perfectly positioned in between two trees, so I asked Tatiana,'

"Have you ever seen the Big Dipper?"
Tatiana: "No."
Me: "Do you want to?"
Tatiana: "Yeah!!!"

I let her stand in front of me and showed her exactly where it was. She was so awestruck by such a small thing. It made me really happy, especially when she woke up the next morning and the very first words out of her mouth were to another girl, "Miss Brittany showed me the Big Dipper last night!" :)

Week three was the best though--it's the one that made everything all worth it, and confirmed to me once again that God definitely wanted me to work there this summer! It was a pretty good week in general. It was kinda crazy when I discovered that I had fifty girls in my Bible study (that is, fifty listening-impaired 9- and 10-year-olds by myself. Literally. I was the only adult, only staff member, only anything. It was insane). Other than that, though, it was good. I taught the whole camp how to play Ultimate Frisbee (yay!). Held a snake and a hissing cockroach. Fun stuff like that. I also got to paint a lot! That was fun! It reminded me of how much I enjoy that sort of thing, so now I'm on a roll. I went out and bought a bunch of paint and some canvasses the weekend I finished camp. Ohhh yes. Anyway! All of that was pretty awesome, but the last 2 days were the best.

I was sitting at dinner, eating and talking with my girls, when one of them pointed to the 3 (rather tacky-looking) white crosses hanging on the wall and asked what the red stuff on the middle one was. I explained that it was there to represent Jesus' blood when He died on the cross, etc. This inspired another girl, Tay-Tay, to ask me who nailed Jesus to the cross. Well, after I explained that one, she just kept asking questions (crazy questions!), eventually leading me to say something about Jesus still being alive. She was shocked: "He is?!" At that point, I figured out that she had no idea about anything to do with Christianity. Especially when, after I used the word "Christian," she said shyly, "What's a Christian? I forgot" (in that way where you know the person really has no clue what you're talking about but doesn't want to let on, so they just say they "forgot"). Well! I took the opportunity to explain as simply as possible what it meant to be a Christian, defining sin and salvation for her, making sure she understood everything that I said. (The best way I knew to explain it for her was that sin was like a giant wall between her and God, and being forgiven was like Jesus coming in and knocking down that wall so she could be friends with God. It was a much longer, more in-depth conversation, but that was the idea of it.) It made me realize more than ever that I really need to know and be able to explain the words that I use, especially when it comes to churchy words! "Sin," "salvation," even "Christian"...they're all virtually meaningless to most people. Anyway, all of a sudden, Tay-Tay asked me, "How do I get to be forgiven?" I told her that all she had to do was ask, and to tell Jesus that she wanted to live the way He wanted her to. I asked if she wanted to do that, and she gave a very definite, "Yes." I got to pray with her, and it was seriously the best thing ever. I've never actually had the chance to do that before, and I absolutely loved how she came to me, and it was totally sincere. It wasn't me pushing her in any way--she was totally initiating and leading the whole thing. Incredible. (And what made it even better, she would randomly come up to me hours later and ask me more questions that had to do with what I told her: "So, if I do something bad again, will the wall between me and God come back?")

That in itself was enough to make the entire summer totally worth it, but then on the very last day, we were all sitting in the chapel, waiting for the buses to arrive to take us back into Columbus. Holly went over everything that we had learned at camp, and she decided to do the whole mass prayer of salvation thing (you know, raise your hand if you want to become a Christian, and then everyone prays together). She mentioned something about "the story of Jesus dying for you," and another one of my girls, Alexis, turns to me and says, "Story? What story?"

Me: "The one about Jesus dying on the cross."
Alexis: "I've heard people say that before, but I've never heard the story."

Whoa. That made me realize that we really fail as Christians way too often--we tell people, "Jesus died for you!" but never take the time to explain what that means. We just take for granted that people know, when really, they don't. So I told her the story of what happened, and she seemed satisfied. Well, after Holly prayed with all of the girls, Alexis turned to me again and very urgently said, "I don't know if I'm a Christian or not!" I immediately took her outside (it was way too noisy inside) and explained to her exactly what I had told Tay-Tay. Alexis told me that she wanted to do the same thing, so I ended up getting to pray with her, too! It was so awesome!

So yeah, that was Camp JOY: total God-thing. There are waaaay more stories that I could tell, but this post is long enough as it is. If you read the whole thing, you're my new favorite.

"And now I sing freedom for all of my days..."

God has taught me a lot this summer. There have been the usual (though more intense) lessons in trust and patience, but over the past couple of weeks, He has started to show me freedom and worship in a different way than He ever has before.

I'm not really sure how to explain it, but over the past year (and maybe longer than that...), I've struggled a lot with certain aspects of Christianity, and more specifically, the Pentecostal church. I guess I've been trying to figure out what is genuinely God and what is stuff that we've just thrown in along the way. It's trickier than you'd think, especially when you've grown up with certain things all of your life to the point where it seems natural. It's just a hard thing to deal with because it's about God. There are so many differing opinions and theological standpoints out there, and it's so hard to know which is right and which is wrong. I mean, who can you really trust about things like this except for God Himself? Anyone else could be wrong. I guess I just get scared that I'm going to be deceived by someone with the best intentions. It's something I've been praying about...a lot!

Anyway, so here I am in the middle of all of this confusion, and I head off to work a Church of God-based youth camp for three weeks. Whoa. If I didn't know it already, I am now positive that I am definitely not your typical Church of God college student. (Actually, I don't really claim any denomination these days. I just always grew up in the COG, so...yeah.) Even more than that, I'm not your typical Pentecostal college student. It's not that I don't believe in that sort of thing—I do. My views on it are different from those of most Pentecostals, though, and so is my worship style. When I was at camp, it was the norm to worship in a more, um, active manner, for lack of a better word. Don't get me wrong—I think that style of worship is fine as long it's genuine and done in the right context. However, personally, I have never, ever, ever been comfortable with jumping or shouting or anything else of that nature. This has always been kind of a weird thing for me, because I've always grown up around it and it has kind of been presented to me as the "right," most genuine form of worship, so I've always felt a little guilty for not being comfortable with it. (I've always heard the, "If you were at a football game, you'd be jumping and screaming and full of excitement for your team! Why can't you do that for God?!" My mental response: "Umm, actually, no. I don't do that at football games or anywhere else.") Anyway, so while I was working camp, I felt some pressure to worship in a way that did not come naturally for me. This was more on the emotional side of things, but I guess I focused a little too much on how I was physically expressing my worship, and all this led me to was a whole bunch of frustration and not much focus on God at all. I just couldn't help but think that if I just stood there and worshipped quietly, people would assume I wasn't worshpping at all. They sang a lot about freedom and in Pentecostal churches, freedom is usually equated with these more physical forms of worship. As I stood there, though, God started to show me that if it wasn't coming from my heart, then it wasn't genuine, and was, in fact, another form of bondage. I could hear Him saying to me, "Be still and know that I am God," over and over. If my worship was wrapped up in other people's expectations, then it wasn't really worship at all. He helped me realize that maybe freedom for me was worshipping in a more quiet way. I finally had to stop what I was doing completely, refocus on God, and just be with Him. In that moment, I finally felt at peace about the whole thing. I finally felt like it was okay for me to let go and not be tied to these things anymore. It was so relieving for me, to know that God was telling me that it was okay!

So. I still don't know where I stand on certain issues, and I'm still trying to sort through what's for real and what's not. But I don't feel guilty anymore. I'm me—I have to figure out what God wants for me and how He wants me to live. His plans for me are not going to be the same as those He has for my parents or my friends or anyone else. My personality and gifts are not the same as those of others. I have to find out how I fit into all of this, and it has to be okay that it's not going to be the same as everyone else. I know not everyone will agree with me, especially not on this issue, but I'm finally okay with that. I am so glad that God has given me peace about this. I can finally feel free.