Just keep swimming...

Listening to: "1000 Ships (Acoustic" by Rachel Platten
Just discovered her today (yes, another NoiseTrade find). I really like this song, and "Nothing Ever Happens" isn't too bad either. Pretty good stuff!

"Never, never, never give up."
- Winston Churchill

Perseverance.

Out of all of the lessons that I've learned this year (and trust me, there have been a lot!), this has been one of the biggest, and it's one I'm still struggling to get. Pushing all the way through has never been my strong point. I'm great at starting things, and even figuring out what I need to do to get to the end goal, but when it comes to actually following through with it--completely? Not so much. It's a major weakness of mine that I didn't even recognize until this year.*

At the beginning of anything, I typically have one of two things to motivate me: pain or excitement. Either things are too painful not to move forward, or I'm really excited about what's happening, so moving forward isn't even a question--I want to! Unfortunately, neither one lasts. There always comes a point when all emotion wears off. That's when who I really am comes to the surface.

Do I really love Him enough to keep pursuing Him first?
Do I really trust Him enough to keep following Him, even if He doesn't?
Am I really finding my contentment in Him alone?
Am I really willing to wait patiently for Him, not jumping ahead, no matter how long it takes?

Or am I just fooling myself, lying not only to myself, but to Him as well?

They're all questions I've been grappling with lately, trying so hard to come to an honest answer…and to do whatever I possibly can to make sure my answer is, without question, YES. Lately, it's been coming down to sheer determination…and lots of prayer! I cannot afford to give up. Not now.

Goal: keep pushing, no matter how hard it gets. Because the end is worth it.

"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith."

- Hebrews 12:1-2

*There have been a lot of those this year, actually--weaknesses I didn't know I had coming to the surface. It's beyond humbling (not to mention painful) when you have to come to terms with how messed up you really are. I was already plenty aware of the fact that I'm not perfect, but this year has taken it to a whole new level!

Psalm 37:3-7

Listening to: "You Alone" by David Crowder Band
(Love them, love this song. Really, it's too bad they're breaking up. :( Sigh.)

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."

- Psalm 37:3-7

Possibly my favorite verse of all time. I'm trying my best to do just that.

Ping pong and patience

Listening to: Unsaid by The Fray

You know, I kind of forgot how much my life at home revolves around church. So different from my life at school. It's kind of amusing, really. Gotta love being a PK.

Anyway. So tonight, I re-realized just how much I love my friends here...and what it's like being the only girl around. (It's no wonder I was going crazy my first few days of college, not knowing any guys!) It was just a good night overall. Nothing terribly spectacular, just good. It was nice to talk to Chad again, laugh at Keith and Elijah's jokes, play ping pong (I don't know why I don't play at school more often--it's so fun), etc. I guess I've missed them more than I realize. I think I take them for granted sometimes, and I really shouldn't. In a way, they're like a part of my family. So in that sense, I'm kind of glad to be at home for the summer. They've started The C.R.E.W. (our drama team) up again, and I am really excited to get to help out with that! Obviously, it would be kind of pointless for me to re-join the team (though they asked me to), but I am totally up for helping out with it. I seriously miss doing dramas. It was such a huge part of my life during high school. Oh, changes.

I like when God speaks to me through other people. Mr. Larry taught the youth group's lesson tonight, and it was so relevant to me, though not in the way he intended. He talked about David, and how even though he had been anointed as king, he didn't immediately try to jump into it. He just continued where God had placed him for the time--as a shepherd--and stayed faithful to that. Even though he knew he was supposed to be king, he still waited for God to open up a way for him to get there when it was the right time. That was a good reminder for me that God's timing is best, and sometimes, I have to wait for the things that I want. I just have to be patient and accept where He has me right now. Everything else will come in time, when I'm ready for it. If I try and rush things, I'll end up screwing the whole thing up (and trust me, I'm pretty good at doing that). I just need to focus on who God wants me to be and what He wants me to do now, and leave my future up to Him. That's so hard for me, especially in this particular situation, when everything is so uncertain. Patience is not exactly my greatest strength (my roommate can attest to this), but God seems pretty bent on teaching it to me, so I guess the sooner I learn, the better. :)

By the way, I just discovered the above song ("Unsaid" by The Fray) hiding on my computer and listened to it for the first time today. I like those random discoveries, especially for songs like this. Good song.

My Life and Thoughts: The Short Version.

Listening To: Enough For Now by The Fray

Every "normal" entry I try to write feels too weird and introspective and reminds me of someone I do not want to be compared to. Heh! Since I don't have much to say that I can go into any real detail on, here's the short version. 

A few quick points...

• I have recently discovered that some friendships aren't worth maintaining. I'm starting to see how it's a good thing that God took the relationship away. I am so over it. Sometimes, being acquaintances is better. (Even if it is a little awkward.)

• Taking things one day at a time is a good idea. Sometimes, though, I wish I could press the fast-forward button on life. But then, that would mean some of the greatest moments of life would never happen. The wait is a huge part of what makes them great, I think. That's hard to remember when you're still in the process of the wait.

• The words I speak matter so much. I can never know how they will affect someone, and once you say them, it's done--you can't ever take them back. I realized a few days ago that I am way too flippant with what I say. I can say something negative about someone and then realize that they're standing right behind me. Even if the particular person isn't around, I don't know who will hear what I say. I mean, have you ever realized how many random, unexpected connections there are between people? What if I say something bad about someone to someone else and it turns out those two are best friends who have known each other for years? Not only that, but words have major power. A mindless comment can change someone's life. Literally.

• You never, ever, ever know what other people are going through. Treat them well. Always.

• To go along with that, since when does someone being different than me give me the right to treat them with less respect? Just wondering, because I'm finding that it's the norm to talk about, degrade, and ignore those who are less "socially acceptable," and I'm not seeing how that's okay. I am such a jerk for allowing myself to be blinded to that fact and even participate. That stops here--people are people. We all deserve to be loved and respected. I want to be accepted for who I am, quirks and all (because I definitely have my share). I think I owe the rest of the world that courtesy, too.

Just a few things to remember. That's all.

P.S. Spring break has been good, but I wouldn't object to seeing my friends. :) However, I haven't been quite so anxious to get back as usual. I think that's a good thing.