Let Me Feel You Shine

This song is my life right now.

"Let Me Feel You Shine"
David Crowder Band

This place is trying to break my belief
But my faith is bigger than all I can see
What I need is redemption
What I need is for You for to put me back on my feet

I swear I'm trying to give everything
But I feel I'm falling, oh make me believe
What I need is resurrection
What I need is for You to put me back on my feet

If I could feel You shine Your perpetual light
Then maybe I could crawl out of this tonight
If I could feel You feel You shine
Oh, let me feel You shine
So beautiful and warm
So beautiful and bright
Like a sun comin' out of a rainy sky
Oh let me feel You shine, oh
Let me feel You shine

I lift the knife to the thing I love most
Praying You'll come so I can have both
What I need is for You to touch me
What I need is for You to be the thing that I need

God, I need a Savior
O come, Generous King
O God, I need a Savior
To come rescue me

Life freaks me out sometimes. God freaks me out sometimes. Most of the time, lately. He's worth it, but that doesn't mean it's not the scariest thing ever.

Lessons learned.

Listening to: "Hymn" by Brooke Fraser
My theme song of the moment. So simple and beautiful and good. I love her music! Possible post about this one soon? Maybe? We'll see.

Oh, what a year. I don't even know how to begin to describe it. Joy. Hope. Pain. Despair. Trust. Anxiety. Loss. So, so much gained. I have never experienced anything quite like it*, and to be perfectly honest, I'd rather not have to ever again!

Still, I know this is going to be one of those years that I look back on with so much amazement, and probably even a little bit of wishing for certain aspects of it to come back. Sometimes, the most beautiful things can only be found in the most painful times. I've experienced so much growth this year, so much change that needed to happen--big time. I love the times when I'm constantly learning, when things are constantly clicking in my head, and I finally get it. And boy, did I learn a lot. (That being said, I am still so glad this year is over! I will never pray for anything close to that ever again. God can teach me on His own time. LESSON LEARNED.)

I've kept up with blogging about a lot of the lessons I've learned this year as they were happening, so I won't go into crazy detail here, but I did feel the need to be really cliche and make a retrospective year-in-review (or lessons-in-review, as it may be) kind of post. :) It's more for myself than for anyone, but I figured I'd share anyway. Also, since there have been so many different lessons, I'll post it in parts. Part one today, the rest to come soon!

Highlights (in no particular order):**

1. Be still and know.
Life is not predictable. Things are not going to go the way I expect them to, and God is not going to work the way I think He should. One of my favorite verses is Psalm 46:10:

"Be still and know that I am God."

Apparently, an alternate translation of "be still" is "let go"--

"Let go and know that I am God."

Stop freaking out. Stop worrying. Stop trying to control everything. Just be still, let it go, and recognize that He is God and I am not. He's got it under control, so I need to let Him be in control.

2. Thankfulness.
Gratitude: it's something you hear a lot about, but generally don't make a conscious effort to include it in your daily life. At least, that's how it's been for me. This is a huge thing that God has been teaching me over the past several months. Thankfulness is not just a nice suggestion; it's vital to joy and contentment and keeping God first (which, consequently, are all tied very closely together!). Even when everything is going wrong, there is always something to be thankful for, even if you have to get down to the tiniest things. Sometimes, it's the little things that matter most.***

3. Seek Him first.

"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you as well."

- Matthew 6:33

God absolutely has to be first in my thoughts, in my heart, in my life. My whole life needs to be centered around Him. When it all comes down to it, He really is the only thing that matters. A relationship, a career, a life goal, whatever--if anything else is getting most of my attention and is what I'm striving for most, then something is wrong. He is the "prize," if you will. Nothing else.

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ."

- Philippians 3:7-8

I've always kind of understood that in my head, but this is the first time it's really clicked, and the first time that I've made a conscious effort to make it my way of life.**** Because it does require effort, constant effort, which brings me to my next point...

4. Perseverance: Keep pushing.
Everything is a process. Keeping the main goal in sight is absolutely crucial, because otherwise, you will never make it anywhere. The rest of life is way too distracting, and when things get painful and doubt starts creeping in, perspective is nearly impossible to maintain. The only way I've been able to keep going is because I've been doing my best to keep Lesson #3 in the front of my mind as much as I possibly can. My mindset: Push through the pain now, because it's the only way through. It will hurt, but the end will be worth it. And then (like now), once the pain is past, the goal still has to be in sight because at that point, it's the only motivation you have. There are no breaks here; it's a daily choice to make for the rest of your life.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

- Philippians 3:12-14

5. Blessings in disguise.
Sometimes, God's best does not come in the form we expect. Sometimes, His blessings come to us in really heartbreaking ways. Sometimes, pain is proof that God loves us.

God knows what's best for us. The thing is, it usually takes a good deal of pain to actually get there. Rarely can we get to where He wants us to be without giving up certain things we have now. Gaining His best often requires a lot of loss on our part. That isn't to say that we don't gain so much more--we do--but loss is always painful. And sometimes, there are things in our hearts that have to be removed, and a lot of times, it requires a great deal of pain to bring it to the surface. In the end, if we handle it correctly, pain will always bring us closer to God. Isn't that in itself worth it?

"You said, 'I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart, then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear,
Remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.'"
- "Let It All Out" by Relient K

6. Dig deep: Finding purpose in the pain.
When it comes to dealing with pain, we have two options: Face it head on or bury it with distractions. Option one actually gets us somewhere, while option two is only going to make things hurt even more in the end.

Finding purpose in the hardest times requires us to do some serious soul-searching. It means digging deep and making some changes that we may not have even realized we needed. I'm not saying that every painful situation is a result of something we've done wrong, because that's definitely not the case. Still, every painful situation can be used to grow, and growth almost always requires change. Hard? Very. Worth it? Most definitely.

(Click here for part 2!)

*I do have to say, though--it's had its fair share of similarities to 2009! Kind of scary in some ways. Both were definitely big years for learning and growing and maturing in major ways. Just different ones.
**It was kind of hard for me to divide these up into a nice little list because all of these lessons are so related and intertwined and often inseparable. But…I did my best.
***Keeping a list of "the little things" I'm thankful for has become one of my favorite things. It's amazing how much you miss when you aren't looking! God really is so good.
****This is such a basic concept, I know, and it's one I've heard all my life, but the meaning of it didn't click until this year. Maybe I'm a little slow, but the basic, foundational stuff has been big for me lately. It's like I'm finally getting it, not just in my mind, but in my heart, because I'm actually experiencing it and having to make the conscious decision to include it in my life.

Just keep swimming...

Listening to: "1000 Ships (Acoustic" by Rachel Platten
Just discovered her today (yes, another NoiseTrade find). I really like this song, and "Nothing Ever Happens" isn't too bad either. Pretty good stuff!

"Never, never, never give up."
- Winston Churchill

Perseverance.

Out of all of the lessons that I've learned this year (and trust me, there have been a lot!), this has been one of the biggest, and it's one I'm still struggling to get. Pushing all the way through has never been my strong point. I'm great at starting things, and even figuring out what I need to do to get to the end goal, but when it comes to actually following through with it--completely? Not so much. It's a major weakness of mine that I didn't even recognize until this year.*

At the beginning of anything, I typically have one of two things to motivate me: pain or excitement. Either things are too painful not to move forward, or I'm really excited about what's happening, so moving forward isn't even a question--I want to! Unfortunately, neither one lasts. There always comes a point when all emotion wears off. That's when who I really am comes to the surface.

Do I really love Him enough to keep pursuing Him first?
Do I really trust Him enough to keep following Him, even if He doesn't?
Am I really finding my contentment in Him alone?
Am I really willing to wait patiently for Him, not jumping ahead, no matter how long it takes?

Or am I just fooling myself, lying not only to myself, but to Him as well?

They're all questions I've been grappling with lately, trying so hard to come to an honest answer…and to do whatever I possibly can to make sure my answer is, without question, YES. Lately, it's been coming down to sheer determination…and lots of prayer! I cannot afford to give up. Not now.

Goal: keep pushing, no matter how hard it gets. Because the end is worth it.

"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith."

- Hebrews 12:1-2

*There have been a lot of those this year, actually--weaknesses I didn't know I had coming to the surface. It's beyond humbling (not to mention painful) when you have to come to terms with how messed up you really are. I was already plenty aware of the fact that I'm not perfect, but this year has taken it to a whole new level!

"Thou and thou only first in my heart..."

Currently thankful for: Christmas movies, candles, finally getting paid, and last but most definitely not least, BEING DONE WITH THIS SEMESTER. Enough said about that!

Keeping God first is the hardest thing.

It should be so easy. I mean, seriously--He's so, so good, and absolutely everything I could possibly need. I have more joy and am more content with Him than I am at any other time. So why is it that my heart jumps at the chance to replace Him at the slightest opportunity? I'll never understand that. It doesn't make sense.

The past couple of weeks have been a struggle to make sure He stays first in my heart, my thoughts, my life. I've already failed at it more than once. Falling back into old patterns is all too easy, but I'm learning to recognize them--and to recognize what I need to do to avoid them. As hard as it is to discipline myself like this, it has forced me to be in a near-constant state of prayer, just to keep my head above water.

Sometimes, I forget that surrender and putting God first is a process, not an event. It's not something that I do once and for all, never having to think about it again. Instead, it's something I have to do constantly and will have to continue until the day that I die. I will never come to a point when I can say, "Wow, I'm glad that's over with. I learned a lot and now God is first; I don't have to focus on keeping Him there anymore." Yet that's what has happened every single time I've come through a hard situation. And guess what? As soon as I stop focusing on Him so intently, everything slowly begins to fall apart again.

Will I ever learn?

Even if He chooses to move me to the next stage of the process, a happier time, that doesn't mean I'm supposed to stop clinging to Him, or even loosen my grip. And even if He doesn't fulfill what I'm hoping for, that doesn't mean I'm supposed to suddenly trust Him any less. Because even if He doesn't, I will still trust Him. I will still love Him. I will still follow Him, knowing that His plan is best.

"Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, 'King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.'"

- Daniel 3:16-18

That has become one of the most profound verses in the Bible to me, and one of my biggest lessons over the past several months. Those guys knew what God could do, even what they truly believed that He would do, and certainly they wanted to be rescued, but in the end, it really didn't matter. Their faith was in Him, not in what He could do. It's the same reason Abraham was able to obey when God told him to sacrifice Isaac. Abraham knew what God had promised him, but he had to be willing to let go of even that--even the promise--and trust that God is faithful. Even if He doesn't, He is faithful.

"Thou and Thou only first in my heart
High King of Heaven, my treasure, Thou art."

Waiting, always waiting.

Listening to: "The Ladder" by Andrew Belle
(Lyric love: "On a ladder from there to here, I'll climb / All these clatter between my ears I find / Does it matter if I can't clear my mind? / There's a right and a wrong time." -- I have been listening to his music waaay too much much lately. I can't help it! This song in particular is one of my favorites. So good. Check out the music video here!) 

Wait. That's the only thing I seem to hear lately. It's probably one of the most frustrating answers to get: a mix between hope for a yes and the reality that the answer may still be no.

I hate uncertainty.

It doesn't help things that I'm the kind of person who loves figuring things out. I love finding the connections between things (and, oh, the connections I find!). Basically, I tend to be a big picture kind of girl when it comes to stuff like this. I'll try to wrap my mind around the entire thing when God just wants me to focus on the detail work that it takes to actually get there. I see so many of these big connections, yet in the context of where God has me right now? Those things don't matter. Just because something is there doesn't mean it's relevant at the moment.*

Psalm 27 has come up so many times over the past month or so. Seriously, it's been everywhere! The verses that have stood out the most:

“My heart says of you, 'Seek his face!' Your face, LORD, I will seek.” - Psalm 27:8 (NIV)

and

“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” - Psalm 27:14 (NIV)

Both line up exactly with what I feel like God's telling me lately: “Wait. Be hopeful. Be content with now. Don't worry about what happens next; just focus on Me. Just wait.”

That's hard for me. I struggle with being present. I'm great at looking back--I can analyze the past like nothing else (which I do...often). I'm also good at looking ahead--predicting the future seems to be a favorite pastime of mine (but one I'm really, really bad at). But focusing on right now? Not my thing. Yet I know that it's exactly what I have to do. There's a reason He hasn't answered yet. I have to go through the process of now to get to the end result...whatever that may be.

Ultimately, the wait is exactly what solidifies everything I've been learning up until now. All the lessons in faith, hope, trust, etc.--they're so important, and they're in my heart, but at the same time, if the process ended here? I'm pretty sure I'd lose it all within a month or two. Waiting can be really dull because the excitement of learning so many new things isn't there, but I'm starting to think that it's the most important part of all.

“Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” - James 1:4 (NIV)

"Pressing On" by Unknown

Some things I'm liking lately:

• These birds-on-a-wire photo clips are wonderful. $10 for a set of 8 is a little on the pricey side for me, but I'm almost thinking it's worth it.
• Pretty silver leaf necklace from Morgan Prather on Etsy. Simple, nature-y...of course I like it.
• This ampersand print. (Actually, anything with an ampersand is probably something I like... That's probably kind of cliche. Oh well.)
• Pallet art. This is one of my favorite hymns, and I absolutely love this particular lyric. So good.

*That being said, it's definitely relevant in the long run. Sometimes, though, it does more harm than good to focus on the end result. If I'm so caught up in where I'm ultimately supposed to be, I lose my focus on the task at hand, and right now is necessary in getting to where I need to be. It's all a process--it can't happen all at once.