Listening to: "Crazy Girl" by Eli Young Band I have been in a HUGE country mood lately. It's such perfect music for summer. This band is one of my favorites for sure!
“You have made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find peace in You.”
- Augustine's Confessions
A year ago, I wrote about my need to simply be still, to know that God was and is in control, to just trust.
A year later, not much has changed.
Scratch that--pretty much everything has changed (thank. God.
SERIOUSLY). But that is one thing that does remain the same. I'm at a
very, very different place in life now than I was then, but my need to
be still and rest only in Him is still huge. It's still difficult.
I am not the kind of person who thrives on busyness. Quite frankly, I
think this need that everyone seems to have to be crazy busy all the
time is ridiculous.* However, as much as I don't generally want to be busy 24/7, lately, I've wanted to
avoid being alone, sitting, having time to hear myself think. Because when I'm alone, that's when the thoughts and the fears start to come, and I just want to get away, to have someone, so I don't have to think about it.
Fear can be so pervasive. Scars can run deeper than you think. When it's just me and God, when I don't have the option of turning to someone else, it means I have to look certain things square in the
eye and deal with them…like the fact that I sometimes struggle to trust
Him, because I know that trusting Him sometimes leads to very painful
places. Beautiful places, yes, but painful ones as well (usually, it's
both simultaneously). I get scared of what comes next. I get scared of
where loving Him most might lead me. I get scared that I won't be able
to love Him most!
And that's when grace comes in. Again. And accepting grace means I have
to be still and trust Him and let Him love me and prove over and over
again that He is good.
He isn't safe--never safe--but He is very, very good.
Because of that, I can choose to rest in Him and let Him help me face
all my fears. I can trust that, however He chooses to go about it, He
will always keep His promises. He will always give me His very best.
"You don't have to feel safe to feel unafraid."
- "Lions!" by LIGHTS
Also: this song. So good.
"When darkness comes upon you And covers you with fear and shame Be still and know that I'm with you And I will say your name
Be still and know that I'm with you Be still and know I am."
- "Be Still" by The Fray
*Obviously, I understand that every person is
different, but when it gets to the point where all you talk about is how
busy you are and have these weird conversations that imply whoever has
the busiest schedule is somehow superior… I think it's safe to say
there's a problem. It's one thing to be unavoidably busy. Everyone has those times. My
entire last semester was one of those times! However, it's quite another
to choose to be ridiculously busy all. the. time. and then complain
about it every waking moment. One of my biggest pet peeves ever. (I could vent about this for awhile, because it's
something that frustrates me a lot, but…I'll spare you. I just hate the
pressure to be busy for the sake of being busy! The fact that I choose
to say no to filling up every minute of my schedule does not mean that I
am lazy or inferior. End mini rant.) (P.S. I
know approximately a billion people who do this. It's kind of a general
American cultural thing, it seems. In other words, don't think I'm
attacking anyone. This isn't being directed at any individual. Promise!)
Listening to: "Strong Enough to Save" by Tenth Avenue North
(Yet another song that has come at the perfect time. I like how God tends to speak to me through the things I enjoy the most: music, books, nature, friends... It's kinda cool, really.)
(I have a lot to say lately. To avoid writing the longest blog of the century, however, I think I'm going to break it up into smaller pieces. It's a little too much to take in all at once, even for me!)
I was reading some of my old posts the other day, and I came across one I wrote back in April that made me laugh. It wasn't actually funny, but oh, the irony!Life wasn't bad, just really boring and routine, and I was getting tired of it. I even went so far as to say that I missed sophomore year. Ha! Well, wish no more, because I'm pretty sure I'm living out fall 2009, round two. They're so parallel, it's a little freaky. That's what I get for asking God to teach me something. Never again! From here on out, I will be content with boredom and let Him teach me on His own time. This isn't quite what I signed up for! Geez.
Anyway. As promised, I wanted to blog about this song:
Blessings
Laura Story
"We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, you hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
And what if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights Are Your mercies in disguise?"
I think I could go on for days about these lyrics. To be honest, this isn't the kind of song I would typically like, but the lyrics are so meaningful that I can't help myself.* I heard it so many times this summer (it made me cry almost every time, but at the same time, I tried my hardest to ignore it. What my problem was, I don't know). The other day, though, I was driving around by myself for 3 hours straight, and it came on at the most perfect time possible. I've been hooked ever since. It is so fitting to where I am right now. A few lines I wanted to comment on...
* * *
"All the while, You hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things."
"We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear. We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near. We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love, as if every promise from Your Word is not enough."
Well, that's my summer summed up in three sentences. Praying over and over and over for wisdom, for God to speak to me, to know what the heck I'm supposed to do next, yet...no answer. It's so frustrating, and yeah, anger has been my response a good bit of the time.
A couple of weeks ago at church, Allan Lockerman pointed out something that I had never thought about before.** He was talking about Isaiah 50:10-11, and at one point, it refers to trusting "in the Name of the Lord." Not in the Lord--in His Name. I've always kind of wondered about that, but assumed there was no distinction. Not so. He explained that, particularly in Hebrew culture, someone's name is who they are, their character. I can't always sense that God is near, but I can always trust Him to be true to Himself. I can always trust that His character will never change.
I doubt God so much, yet I have no legitimate reason whatsoever. He has proved Himself over and over again, not only in the lives of others, but in mine. He has never, ever shown Himself to be anything less than what He says...but still, I doubt. Why? He has promised me so much. That should be enough, even if I don't see it right now.
* * *
"What if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are Your mercies in disguise?"
This is a concept I've struggled to grasp. I get it in my head, and I can totally apply it to other people. Actually, I can usually apply it to myself, but this time? I've had a really, really hard time with it. I think I'm starting to get it though. I don't understand much of anything that's happened over the past few months, but I'm coming the the conclusion: the less I understand and the harder the situation, the less I can depend on myself. That forces me to depend on God, causing me to trust Him and grow closer to Him. Even aside from the fact that it could be preparing me for something I can't see yet, or protecting me, or whatever...isn't that in itself worth it? He's worth everything. Knowing Him is the most important thing. Whatever it takes to get that is absolutely worth it, no question.
"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28
* Generally speaking, I haven't been a huge fan of Christian music for the
past few years. Lately though, I'm finding myself listening to it more
and more. Go figure. ** Common occurrence. I love that man.
I like God. I like how He talks to me through songs and stars and sunsets and my closest friends. Heck, He even gets through to me in the middle of my psychology classes. It has happened so often, but every single time, it almost takes me by surprise. I just love how He knows me so well, how He speaks to me in a way that is absolutely perfect for me instead of talking to everyone in the same way.
This was one of my favorite songs when I was a freshman in high school. It's funny how something can be just as (actually, more) relevant to my life at 20 as it was at 14.
Let It All Out
Relient K
Let it all out, get it all out
Rip it out, remove it
Don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed
'Cause we're so scared to find out
What this life's all about
So scared we're going to lose it
Not knowing all along that's exactly what we need
And today I'll trust You with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
But tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at You in disbelief
Oh, inconsistent me crying out for consistency
And You said, "I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart
Then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember, the end will justify
The pain it took to get us there."
And I'll let it be known at times I have shown
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me, there is strength
And You promise me that You believe
In time, I will defeat this
'Cause somewhere in me there is strength
And today I will trust You with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
And I'll try my best to just forget
That that man isn't me
Reach out to me
Make my heart brand new
Every beat will be for You
And I know You know
You touched my life
When You touched my heavy heart and made it light
The whole, "Today I'll trust you with the confidence of a man who's never known defeat, but tomorrow upon hearing what I did, I will stare at You in disbelief. Oh, inconsistent me, crying out for consistency," is my life. It's like I make the decision to trust God completely and leave everything up to Him, and then the next day, I realize the implications of what I've done by giving up that control and I freak out. Repeat cycle. It's ridiculous. I need to break that.
I've only been in class for a week, am just now about to start on my first homework assignment, and I'm already using this blog to procrastinate. Old habits die hard (and I'm thinking this one won't die until homework is a thing of the past anyway). But, I mean, I haven't updated since before I got back to Lee. It has to be done sometime, right?
Anyway, I am super glad to be back at Lee. I have to admit, though, that I am so ready to get past these initial weeks. They're always so...weird. I don't like them. Hopefully, things will settle into a nice, normal routine pretty soon. Since being back, I've managed to:
Make 15,000 trips to Walmart (more or less--probably more)
Go cliff jumping, complete with floating down the river in the dark
Go swimming at the Blue Hole with about 30 friends
Go hiking with Mike, Will, and Diff (complete with climbing slippery waterfalls and hacking my way through the woods again. Not that I mind, of course!)
Start Taekwondo! (I know, it probably sounds lame to a lot of people, but seriously, it is so much fun. I'm so glad I'm taking it!)
It's been fairly interesting, at least. Also, I am loving having an apartment! Not that I spend much more time here than I did in the dorm (I just can't stand to be inside doing nothing for long), but it's so nice having more space, and my own kitchen, and a dishwasher, and a couch, and...yeah. It's awesome. I'll have to post some pictures sometime.
On a completely random note, I love how my playlist goes from stuff like Mumford & Sons (I love them so much, by the way) to LIGHTS to Yellowcard and pretty much everything in between, and I hardly give it a second thought. It's such a random mix. I love it. But yeah, one song I've been listening to a lot is "After the Storm" by Mumford & Sons. Soooo good (though I have to say my favorite by them is "The Cave").
"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair." - "After the Storm" by Mumford & Sons
Okay, I think I'm out of things to say for now. Hopefully, more things will happen by the next time I have homework so I'll have things to write about. :)
First of all, Easter break is going much better than spring break did...even if it isn't much of a break with all this homework I have to do. Oh well--such is college life! At least the lack of classes still applies.
So. Things have been a little crazy lately in pretty much every area of my life, but I'm surviving, and I think I'm getting myself back on track. It's funny (only not) how easy it is for me to lose my focus, especially when it comes to God. That's never a good thing--as if my life needs to be anymore weird and complicated than it already is to begin with!
Last weekend was a lot of fun (which was much-needed!), albeit completely random and spontaneous. Basically, Kristi and I decided we would go hiking at Chilhowee since we've been dying to go and the weather was gorgeous. Instead, we randomly ended up driving down all these back roads, when all of a sudden...
Kristi: "Umm...we're definitely 20 minutes away from my house."
We ended up in Knoxville. Awesome. We decided to go to her house for dinner, then went to watch the sunset (our "hike" of the day...if walking up a paved 0.4-mile path counts as hiking). After we finally made our way back to Cleveland (7 hours later), we worked on our presentation for Sociology, then met up with Mike at midnight (which, if you put it that way, sounds kinda sketch, now that I think about it). We proceeded to get back in the car, with Mike in the driver's seat. Every time we came to a turn, Kristi and I took turns deciding whether to go left or right. This turned into a 3-hour adventure on more random back roads that landed us in Athens, TN. It was so much fun though. They are two of my favorite people on the planet, and the perfect ones to have that sort of adventure with.
Oh! Random discovery. My brother told me about this earlier, and it is seriously one of the most amazing things ever.
Is that incredible or what?!? I can't even comprehend having enough patience to do that. Just thinking about attempting it stresses me out.
In Christ Alone "In Christ alone my hope is found He is my light, my strength, my song This cornerstone, this solid ground Firm through the fiercest drought and storm What heights of love, what depths of peace When fears are stilled, when strivings cease My comforter, my all in all Here in the love of Christ I stand
In Christ alone, who took on flesh Fullness of God in helpless babe This gift of love and righteousness Scorned by the ones He came to save ‘Til on that cross as Jesus died The wrath of God was satisfied For every sin on Him was laid Here in the death of Christ I live
There in the ground His body lay Light of the world by darkness slain Then bursting forth in glorious day Up from the grave He rose again And as He stands in victory Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me For I am His and He is mine Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life, no fear in death This is the power of Christ in me From life’s first cry to final breath Jesus commands my destiny No power of hell, no scheme of man Can ever pluck me from His hand ‘til He returns or calls me home Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand."
Sometimes, I think this is going to take forever. Literally.
"I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while, You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You
To be my escape."
It's amazing to me how some songs seem to sum up exactly how I'm feeling in just a few words. (I think the second verse is my favorite.) :)
"Breathe" by Anberlin "This is surrender To a war-torn life I've lived Scars and stripes forever In need of change I can't resist
No need to hide anything anymore
Can't return to who I was before
I can finally breathe Suddenly alive I can finally move The world feels revived
This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside
I can finally breathe
Suddenly alive
I can finally move
'Cause I realize"
"I am changing, less and less asleep.
Made of different stuff than when I began."
- "Shadowfeet" by Brooke Fraser
I feel like that one quote sums up this year for me (if that's even possible).* I can't even explain it completely—it just is what it is. This year...I don't even know how to describe it. I have never learned so much within a single span of twelve months in my entire life. It has, by far, been one of the hardest years of my life, yet I can't call it bad. It has changed me so much. I am definitely not the same person I was a year ago, but in a good way. I'm wiser, more mature, and more aware of myself, others, and life in general. My relationship with God is different, too. It's closer and based on more trust than ever before. It's amazing, really.
One running theme throughout this year has definitely been adventure. Not just in the normal sense (though with a trip to Utah and Arizona, hiking, whitewater rafting, camping, and everything else, there was plenty of that, too!), but just life in general. Completely new experiences; never knowing what's coming next; scary, yet fun; never easy, but always rewarding...yeah, that's this year for sure. I've had to trust God like never before. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I trust Him 100%, no question. I've always trusted Him, but this year has brought about a new element of it that I've never had before.
I've cried more this year than I can remember doing in a long time, but I've also laughed more than ever. I lost a good friend for the first time, but I also gained so many amazing new ones. I had to make decisions that I've never had to make before, but through that, God reassured me more than ever. I guess there have been a lot of extremes. It's funny how it all balances out somehow.**
"When the world has fallen out from under me,
I'll be found in You, still standing.
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees,
When time and space are through, I'll be found in You."
* I love finding songs that describe my life to me. It always gives me chills (and usually results in some pretty obsessive listening...). I have to say, I think the craziest one was when I heard "Lonely Tonight" by Matt Wertz last month (see my post from November 3). Everything, down to the exact month and length of time. So weird.
** There you have it--my standard, super-reflective, end-of-the-year post. I can't help it; I try really hard to not go overboard, but I have to be introspective on here sometimes. :)
Listening To: Wholly Yours (B) by David Crowder Band
I think I should learn to accept that my life at home is hopelessly lame. It's just a (rather unfortunate) fact. I had so much random energy today that I had to go outside and sprint across the yard a few times to get rid of some of it...and since when do I like running?!
I'm so tired of missing people. Sometimes, I miss my friends so much, I think I'm going to explode. Facebook is nice (and I am definitely thankful for it), but it's just not the same as actually being with everyone. I'm also sick of waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Story of my entire life. AHH! Two and a half months seems like forever right about now. Sigh. 68 more days.
Being alone so much gives me way more time to think and write. That can be a really good thing and a really bad thing at the same time. On one hand, I like being more in touch with myself again. When I'm at school, I get soooo busy and involved with social things (which I do enjoy) that I don't have as much time to be with me. I hate how I never get to write in my journal, or how, when I do, it's always kind of rushed and I don't get to think things through very well. On the other hand, though, when I'm alone so much, I start thinking and analyzing way too much. This is really problematic when it comes to specific situations in my life. I think and I analyze and I think and I analyze...and I over-think and I overanalyze...I get myself so confused that I hardly know what's reality anymore. This is especially bad when there is literally nothing I can do about anything for the rest of the summer. Oh, life! It feels like a mess sometimes.
I have to say, though, that God has definitely used this "alone time" to His advantage. It took Him awhile, but He finally got through. It's hard to explain completely. I'll just say that it's easy to ignore God when you have plenty of things to fill up your life, but when you're by yourself for a good majority of the time, it gets a little trickier. I somehow managed it for about a month, but the other night, I had to come to terms with reality. It was a little rough, but I feel like maybe now, I can finally start coming out of this ridiculous spiritual dullness/confusion/apathy/whatever it is that I've been dealing with for like, a year now. I feel a lot more at peace about things, at least. :)
The song "Wholly Yours" recently gained major significance in my life. I've always liked the song, but had never really listened to the lyrics. Man. That is an incredible song.
"I am full of earth
You are heaven's worth
I am stained with dirt
Prone to depravity
You are everything
That is bright and clean
The antonym of me
You are divinity
But a certain sign of grace is this
From a broken earth
Flowers come up
Pushing through the dirt
You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries, 'Holy, holy God'
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy like You are
You are everything
That is bright and clean
And You're covering
Me with Your majesty
And the truest sign of grace was this
From wounded hands
Redemption fell down
Liberating man
You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries, 'Holy, holy God'
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy like You are
But the harder I try
The more clearly that I
Feel the depth of our fall
And the weight of it all
And so this might could be
The most impossible thing
Your grandness in me
Making me clean
Glory, hallelujah
Glory, glory, hallelujah
You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries, 'Holy, holy God'
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy, holy God
So here I am, all of me
Finally, everything
Wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly Yours
I am full of earth and dirt and You."
Wow. When I really listened to that song for the first time, it made me want to cry. I mean, how unworthy am I that God would give me so much grace, so much love? I can try so hard to be the person He wants me to be, to be holy like He is, and I do just that--I try, over and over and over. And you know what? I fail...over and over and over. I don't have the capacity to do it on my own. The past year of my life is proof enough of that. Yet God is always there, and when I start to feel so hopeless, like I am the world's biggest failure and will never get it right, He shows me that He's big enough for both of us. He covers my imperfection with Himself. I make things way too complicated. I don't have to become holy on my own; I simply have to surrender myself wholly to Him and He takes care of the rest.
I feel like I've been more private than usual lately. There's just all this random stuff going on in my head, but I don't feel like I can fully explain any of it without sounding ridiculous. So I don't. It makes me so thankful that I can trust God with it.
I had a hard time going to sleep last night, due to a combination of Jazzman's crack coffee and a brain on overdrive. I eventually just grabbed Houston and started listening to music, hoping it would relax me some. (FYI, Houston is my Zune, for those of you who didn't know.) A song I had never heard before came on at one point. It was called "Small Enough" by Nichole Nordeman. One thing I like about listening to music at night--it gives me a chance to really listen to it. I appreciate the music so much more, and I can finally listen to the lyrics more closely. In other words, it's when it becomes more than just background noise. Anyway, I started listening to this song, and the lyrics were really profound to me (besides, it's just a beautiful song in general).
"Oh, great God
Be small enough to hear me now
There were times when I was crying
From the dark of Daniel’s den
I had asked you once or twice
If you would part the sea again
Tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
Just want to know You’re gonna hold me if I start to cry
Oh, great God
Be small enough to hear me now
Oh, great God
Be close enough to feel You now
(Oh, great God, be close to me)
There have been moments
When I could not face Goliath on my own
And how could I forget
We marched around our share of Jerichos
But I will not be setting out
A fleece for you tonight
Just wanna know that everything will be alright
Oh, great God
Be close enough to feel me now
All praise and all the honor be
To the God of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder
Turn the pages of our history
But tonight my heart is heavy
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
Are you there?
And I know you could leave writing
On the wall that’s just for me
Or send wisdom while I’m sleeping
Like in Solomon’s sweet dreams
But I don’t need the strength of Sampson
Or a chariot in the end
Just wanna know that you still know
How many hairs are on my head
Oh, great God
(Are you small enough?)
Be small enough to hear me now"
I thought that was a really interesting concept. Of course God is big--we know all the great things He can do. We know how powerful He is, how majestic, everything like that. But is He small enough to relate to us? To understand us, to care about the silly little things in our lives? It amazes me that the answer is yes. It's so reassuring to know that He isn't going to get annoyed with me if I keep going to Him about the same stupid thing over and over again. The way He sees it, if it matters that much to me, then it matters that much to Him. Yet He's GOD. Big enough to handle my problems, and small enough to care. How awesome is that?!?
