Earth and dirt and You

Listening To: Wholly Yours (B) by David Crowder Band

I think I should learn to accept that my life at home is hopelessly lame. It's just a (rather unfortunate) fact. I had so much random energy today that I had to go outside and sprint across the yard a few times to get rid of some of it...and since when do I like running?!

I'm so tired of missing people. Sometimes, I miss my friends so much, I think I'm going to explode. Facebook is nice (and I am definitely thankful for it), but it's just not the same as actually being with everyone. I'm also sick of waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Story of my entire life. AHH! Two and a half months seems like forever right about now. Sigh. 68 more days.

Being alone so much gives me way more time to think and write. That can be a really good thing and a really bad thing at the same time. On one hand, I like being more in touch with myself again. When I'm at school, I get soooo busy and involved with social things (which I do enjoy) that I don't have as much time to be with me. I hate how I never get to write in my journal, or how, when I do, it's always kind of rushed and I don't get to think things through very well. On the other hand, though, when I'm alone so much, I start thinking and analyzing way too much. This is really problematic when it comes to specific situations in my life. I think and I analyze and I think and I analyze...and I over-think and I overanalyze...I get myself so confused that I hardly know what's reality anymore. This is especially bad when there is literally nothing I can do about anything for the rest of the summer. Oh, life! It feels like a mess sometimes.

I have to say, though, that God has definitely used this "alone time" to His advantage. It took Him awhile, but He finally got through. It's hard to explain completely. I'll just say that it's easy to ignore God when you have plenty of things to fill up your life, but when you're by yourself for a good majority of the time, it gets a little trickier. I somehow managed it for about a month, but the other night, I had to come to terms with reality. It was a little rough, but I feel like maybe now, I can finally start coming out of this ridiculous spiritual dullness/confusion/apathy/whatever it is that I've been dealing with for like, a year now. I feel a lot more at peace about things, at least. :)

The song "Wholly Yours" recently gained major significance in my life. I've always liked the song, but had never really listened to the lyrics. Man. That is an incredible song.

"I am full of earth

You are heaven's worth

I am stained with dirt

Prone to depravity

You are everything

That is bright and clean

The antonym of me

You are divinity

But a certain sign of grace is this

From a broken earth

Flowers come up

Pushing through the dirt

You are holy, holy, holy

All heaven cries, 'Holy, holy God'

You are holy, holy, holy

I wanna be holy like You are

You are everything

That is bright and clean

And You're covering

Me with Your majesty

And the truest sign of grace was this

From wounded hands

Redemption fell down

Liberating man

You are holy, holy, holy

All heaven cries, 'Holy, holy God'

You are holy, holy, holy

I wanna be holy like You are

But the harder I try

The more clearly that I

Feel the depth of our fall

And the weight of it all

And so this might could be

The most impossible thing

Your grandness in me

Making me clean

Glory, hallelujah

Glory, glory, hallelujah

You are holy, holy, holy

All heaven cries, 'Holy, holy God'

You are holy, holy, holy

I wanna be holy, holy God

So here I am, all of me

Finally, everything

Wholly, wholly, wholly

I am wholly, wholly, wholly

I am wholly, wholly, wholly Yours

I am full of earth and dirt and You."

Wow. When I really listened to that song for the first time, it made me want to cry. I mean, how unworthy am I that God would give me so much grace, so much love? I can try so hard to be the person He wants me to be, to be holy like He is, and I do just that--I try, over and over and over. And you know what? I fail...over and over and over. I don't have the capacity to do it on my own. The past year of my life is proof enough of that. Yet God is always there, and when I start to feel so hopeless, like I am the world's biggest failure and will never get it right, He shows me that He's big enough for both of us. He covers my imperfection with Himself. I make things way too complicated. I don't have to become holy on my own; I simply have to surrender myself wholly to Him and He takes care of the rest.

"I am full of earth and dirt...and You."