Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Oh, inconsistent me...

I like God. I like how He talks to me through songs and stars and sunsets and my closest friends. Heck, He even gets through to me in the middle of my psychology classes. It has happened so often, but every single time, it almost takes me by surprise. I just love how He knows me so well, how He speaks to me in a way that is absolutely perfect for me instead of talking to everyone in the same way.

This was one of my favorite songs when I was a freshman in high school. It's funny how something can be just as (actually, more) relevant to my life at 20 as it was at 14.
Let It All Out
Relient K

Let it all out, get it all out
Rip it out, remove it
Don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed
'Cause we're so scared to find out
What this life's all about
So scared we're going to lose it
Not knowing all along that's exactly what we need

And today I'll trust You with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
But tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at You in disbelief
Oh, inconsistent me crying out for consistency

And You said, "I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart
Then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember, the end will justify
The pain it took to get us there."

And I'll let it be known at times I have shown
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me, there is strength
And You promise me that You believe
In time, I will defeat this
'Cause somewhere in me there is strength

And today I will trust You with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
And I'll try my best to just forget
That that man isn't me

Reach out to me
Make my heart brand new
Every beat will be for You
And I know You know
You touched my life
When You touched my heavy heart and made it light
The whole, "Today I'll trust you with the confidence of a man who's never known defeat, but tomorrow upon hearing what I did, I will stare at You in disbelief. Oh, inconsistent me, crying out for consistency," is my life. It's like I make the decision to trust God completely and leave everything up to Him, and then the next day, I realize the implications of what I've done by giving up that control and I freak out. Repeat cycle. It's ridiculous. I need to break that.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

"I am changing..."

Have you ever known that you're in the middle of a big transition? It's weird. I think that, normally, I don't really recognize when I'm in the transition; I only see it after it's already occurred. This time is different: something is changing and I know it.

It's going to be a good change for me, and as much as it scares me, I'm also really excited. I've been completely stuck for over a year and a half now, and honestly, most of the time, I thought things were never going to change. All I knew is that I had been trying for what seemed like forever, and I literally could not get out, one way or the other. The fact that things are finally shifting is a God-thing, 100%.

Now, I'm just processing a lot. I've been having all these random flashbacks of stuff that I really haven't thought much about in awhile, and it's weird. It's as if I still have all of this stuff from the past year and a half, and it's still very much a part of me--a huge part--but now I don't know what to do with all of it. Obviously, it's not going away. I am who I am because of it, and I'm thankful. But it's like everything has to be rearranged now, and I don't quite know what to do about it. It's a strange feeling. It doesn't really feel good, but it's not necessarily bad, either. I don't know how to describe it.

So that's where I am right now. I'm not really sure what it means, or where I'm heading, but I do know that things are going to be different. Right now, that's all I really care about.

No regrets...just love.

Because of this, I have had "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry stuck in my head for the past 5 days. I don't even like the song that much, but I do love this video...even if it is a little creepy.