Let Me Feel You Shine

This song is my life right now.

"Let Me Feel You Shine"
David Crowder Band

This place is trying to break my belief
But my faith is bigger than all I can see
What I need is redemption
What I need is for You for to put me back on my feet

I swear I'm trying to give everything
But I feel I'm falling, oh make me believe
What I need is resurrection
What I need is for You to put me back on my feet

If I could feel You shine Your perpetual light
Then maybe I could crawl out of this tonight
If I could feel You feel You shine
Oh, let me feel You shine
So beautiful and warm
So beautiful and bright
Like a sun comin' out of a rainy sky
Oh let me feel You shine, oh
Let me feel You shine

I lift the knife to the thing I love most
Praying You'll come so I can have both
What I need is for You to touch me
What I need is for You to be the thing that I need

God, I need a Savior
O come, Generous King
O God, I need a Savior
To come rescue me

Life freaks me out sometimes. God freaks me out sometimes. Most of the time, lately. He's worth it, but that doesn't mean it's not the scariest thing ever.

Lessons learned, part 2.

(Here's part two of my list of lessons learned in 2011! If you missed the first half, check it out here.)

7. Hope: Even if He does not.
Hope is tricky. It's such a good thing, yet it is so easy to place it in the wrong things. For months, I've had to ask myself: is my hope in God Himself or in what He can do for me? It's a very fine line to walk. I've had to come to a place where I can say, "Yes, this is what I want to happen, and I believe that You can do it, but my hope is in You. Even if You don't, I'm still going to trust You and follow You as if nothing has changed." That's something I have to convince myself of every single day.

8. Certain joy found only in pain.
Every season of life has its good and bad sides. The happy times are wonderful, of course, but they bring certain challenges that aren't found at other times. In the same way, the hardest times bring certain joys that are found only there. I've had to learn to be thankful, not in spite of the bad times, but because of them. It's not always about pushing through to the other side; I've had to learn to see the beauty in the moment I'm in right now--even if it's painful.

9. Letting go.

This has probably been one of the most excruciating lessons I've ever learned, but one I am unbelievably relieved to have finally gotten through my head (well, still working on it, anyway. Like I said before, this is definitely all a process)! I never realized how much of a control freak I am, not to mention how much damage it can cause! Following God is all about surrender. He has to have control of every area of my life. I've found that I have to be very careful, because I have a tendency to try and regain control of things without even realizing it.

I want to always be able to say, "God, my hands are open. You are free to give and free to take away. And even when You do give--my hands will stay open." It's my natural tendency to cling to the things that I love, but I've discovered that it's a surefire way to get them taken away. Living with your hands open (so to speak) is a really vulnerable place to be, and it can be really hard sometimes, but at the same time, it has been the most freeing experience I've ever had.

10. Be present.
Waiting. It's something that I seem to constantly be doing, but something I'm really bad at! I have a tendency to see the big picture first, then fill in all the details later. That can be a really good quality, but it can also get me into trouble. Sometimes (most of the time), I am so focused on the end result that I forget that the detail work of right now is what it takes to get there. Once again, I've had to learn to make a conscious effort to just be present. Right now matters. (Being thankful really comes into play here!)

11. Faith.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
- Hebrews 11:1

I've heard that verse so many times, but I have never had to come to terms with what it really means as much as I have over the past few months. All of these lessons come down to faith in one way or another. It has definitely always been a part of my life in some way, but not like this. I say I believe in God. I say that I trust Him. I say that I believe He's good, and that His plan is best. And I really thought that I did believe those things. But when it all came down to it, did I really? Enough to actually act on it? It took me a long time to finally let go enough to be able to honestly say yes. It's still hard sometimes.

12. Freedom.

"It's easy for our thoughts to be dominated by a craving.... It takes ahold of us. We are not free…. If I want something to the point that I can't conceive of being content without it, then it owns me.... What started out as freedom can quickly become slavery.... Freedom is going without whatever we crave and being fine with it."

- Rob Bell in Sex God

I honestly cannot explain how profound that one quote has been for me. I wish I didn't understand it as perfectly as I do, but it has been my life for so long. But after months and months of digging deep and letting God do some major work on my heart, for the first time in a long, long time…I'm finally free. And freedom is incredible.

That isn't to say that it's easily kept.

"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it."

- Genesis 4:7

Going back to the idea of perseverance: it definitely applies here. It's cliche to say, but freedom is not free. I've had to fight for it, and I'm still having to fight to keep it. Still, I'm not losing it this time.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

- Galatians 5:1

***

I just want to let you know, I love you all so much! (Even those of you I don't know personally--your comments and messages have been so encouraging, and I really, really do appreciate it more than you know!). Thanks for being awesome. I hope you all have an amazing new year!

Lessons learned.

Listening to: "Hymn" by Brooke Fraser
My theme song of the moment. So simple and beautiful and good. I love her music! Possible post about this one soon? Maybe? We'll see.

Oh, what a year. I don't even know how to begin to describe it. Joy. Hope. Pain. Despair. Trust. Anxiety. Loss. So, so much gained. I have never experienced anything quite like it*, and to be perfectly honest, I'd rather not have to ever again!

Still, I know this is going to be one of those years that I look back on with so much amazement, and probably even a little bit of wishing for certain aspects of it to come back. Sometimes, the most beautiful things can only be found in the most painful times. I've experienced so much growth this year, so much change that needed to happen--big time. I love the times when I'm constantly learning, when things are constantly clicking in my head, and I finally get it. And boy, did I learn a lot. (That being said, I am still so glad this year is over! I will never pray for anything close to that ever again. God can teach me on His own time. LESSON LEARNED.)

I've kept up with blogging about a lot of the lessons I've learned this year as they were happening, so I won't go into crazy detail here, but I did feel the need to be really cliche and make a retrospective year-in-review (or lessons-in-review, as it may be) kind of post. :) It's more for myself than for anyone, but I figured I'd share anyway. Also, since there have been so many different lessons, I'll post it in parts. Part one today, the rest to come soon!

Highlights (in no particular order):**

1. Be still and know.
Life is not predictable. Things are not going to go the way I expect them to, and God is not going to work the way I think He should. One of my favorite verses is Psalm 46:10:

"Be still and know that I am God."

Apparently, an alternate translation of "be still" is "let go"--

"Let go and know that I am God."

Stop freaking out. Stop worrying. Stop trying to control everything. Just be still, let it go, and recognize that He is God and I am not. He's got it under control, so I need to let Him be in control.

2. Thankfulness.
Gratitude: it's something you hear a lot about, but generally don't make a conscious effort to include it in your daily life. At least, that's how it's been for me. This is a huge thing that God has been teaching me over the past several months. Thankfulness is not just a nice suggestion; it's vital to joy and contentment and keeping God first (which, consequently, are all tied very closely together!). Even when everything is going wrong, there is always something to be thankful for, even if you have to get down to the tiniest things. Sometimes, it's the little things that matter most.***

3. Seek Him first.

"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you as well."

- Matthew 6:33

God absolutely has to be first in my thoughts, in my heart, in my life. My whole life needs to be centered around Him. When it all comes down to it, He really is the only thing that matters. A relationship, a career, a life goal, whatever--if anything else is getting most of my attention and is what I'm striving for most, then something is wrong. He is the "prize," if you will. Nothing else.

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ."

- Philippians 3:7-8

I've always kind of understood that in my head, but this is the first time it's really clicked, and the first time that I've made a conscious effort to make it my way of life.**** Because it does require effort, constant effort, which brings me to my next point...

4. Perseverance: Keep pushing.
Everything is a process. Keeping the main goal in sight is absolutely crucial, because otherwise, you will never make it anywhere. The rest of life is way too distracting, and when things get painful and doubt starts creeping in, perspective is nearly impossible to maintain. The only way I've been able to keep going is because I've been doing my best to keep Lesson #3 in the front of my mind as much as I possibly can. My mindset: Push through the pain now, because it's the only way through. It will hurt, but the end will be worth it. And then (like now), once the pain is past, the goal still has to be in sight because at that point, it's the only motivation you have. There are no breaks here; it's a daily choice to make for the rest of your life.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

- Philippians 3:12-14

5. Blessings in disguise.
Sometimes, God's best does not come in the form we expect. Sometimes, His blessings come to us in really heartbreaking ways. Sometimes, pain is proof that God loves us.

God knows what's best for us. The thing is, it usually takes a good deal of pain to actually get there. Rarely can we get to where He wants us to be without giving up certain things we have now. Gaining His best often requires a lot of loss on our part. That isn't to say that we don't gain so much more--we do--but loss is always painful. And sometimes, there are things in our hearts that have to be removed, and a lot of times, it requires a great deal of pain to bring it to the surface. In the end, if we handle it correctly, pain will always bring us closer to God. Isn't that in itself worth it?

"You said, 'I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart, then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear,
Remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.'"
- "Let It All Out" by Relient K

6. Dig deep: Finding purpose in the pain.
When it comes to dealing with pain, we have two options: Face it head on or bury it with distractions. Option one actually gets us somewhere, while option two is only going to make things hurt even more in the end.

Finding purpose in the hardest times requires us to do some serious soul-searching. It means digging deep and making some changes that we may not have even realized we needed. I'm not saying that every painful situation is a result of something we've done wrong, because that's definitely not the case. Still, every painful situation can be used to grow, and growth almost always requires change. Hard? Very. Worth it? Most definitely.

(Click here for part 2!)

*I do have to say, though--it's had its fair share of similarities to 2009! Kind of scary in some ways. Both were definitely big years for learning and growing and maturing in major ways. Just different ones.
**It was kind of hard for me to divide these up into a nice little list because all of these lessons are so related and intertwined and often inseparable. But…I did my best.
***Keeping a list of "the little things" I'm thankful for has become one of my favorite things. It's amazing how much you miss when you aren't looking! God really is so good.
****This is such a basic concept, I know, and it's one I've heard all my life, but the meaning of it didn't click until this year. Maybe I'm a little slow, but the basic, foundational stuff has been big for me lately. It's like I'm finally getting it, not just in my mind, but in my heart, because I'm actually experiencing it and having to make the conscious decision to include it in my life.