Earth and dirt and You

Listening To: Wholly Yours (B) by David Crowder Band

I think I should learn to accept that my life at home is hopelessly lame. It's just a (rather unfortunate) fact. I had so much random energy today that I had to go outside and sprint across the yard a few times to get rid of some of it...and since when do I like running?!

I'm so tired of missing people. Sometimes, I miss my friends so much, I think I'm going to explode. Facebook is nice (and I am definitely thankful for it), but it's just not the same as actually being with everyone. I'm also sick of waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Story of my entire life. AHH! Two and a half months seems like forever right about now. Sigh. 68 more days.

Being alone so much gives me way more time to think and write. That can be a really good thing and a really bad thing at the same time. On one hand, I like being more in touch with myself again. When I'm at school, I get soooo busy and involved with social things (which I do enjoy) that I don't have as much time to be with me. I hate how I never get to write in my journal, or how, when I do, it's always kind of rushed and I don't get to think things through very well. On the other hand, though, when I'm alone so much, I start thinking and analyzing way too much. This is really problematic when it comes to specific situations in my life. I think and I analyze and I think and I analyze...and I over-think and I overanalyze...I get myself so confused that I hardly know what's reality anymore. This is especially bad when there is literally nothing I can do about anything for the rest of the summer. Oh, life! It feels like a mess sometimes.

I have to say, though, that God has definitely used this "alone time" to His advantage. It took Him awhile, but He finally got through. It's hard to explain completely. I'll just say that it's easy to ignore God when you have plenty of things to fill up your life, but when you're by yourself for a good majority of the time, it gets a little trickier. I somehow managed it for about a month, but the other night, I had to come to terms with reality. It was a little rough, but I feel like maybe now, I can finally start coming out of this ridiculous spiritual dullness/confusion/apathy/whatever it is that I've been dealing with for like, a year now. I feel a lot more at peace about things, at least. :)

The song "Wholly Yours" recently gained major significance in my life. I've always liked the song, but had never really listened to the lyrics. Man. That is an incredible song.

"I am full of earth

You are heaven's worth

I am stained with dirt

Prone to depravity

You are everything

That is bright and clean

The antonym of me

You are divinity

But a certain sign of grace is this

From a broken earth

Flowers come up

Pushing through the dirt

You are holy, holy, holy

All heaven cries, 'Holy, holy God'

You are holy, holy, holy

I wanna be holy like You are

You are everything

That is bright and clean

And You're covering

Me with Your majesty

And the truest sign of grace was this

From wounded hands

Redemption fell down

Liberating man

You are holy, holy, holy

All heaven cries, 'Holy, holy God'

You are holy, holy, holy

I wanna be holy like You are

But the harder I try

The more clearly that I

Feel the depth of our fall

And the weight of it all

And so this might could be

The most impossible thing

Your grandness in me

Making me clean

Glory, hallelujah

Glory, glory, hallelujah

You are holy, holy, holy

All heaven cries, 'Holy, holy God'

You are holy, holy, holy

I wanna be holy, holy God

So here I am, all of me

Finally, everything

Wholly, wholly, wholly

I am wholly, wholly, wholly

I am wholly, wholly, wholly Yours

I am full of earth and dirt and You."

Wow. When I really listened to that song for the first time, it made me want to cry. I mean, how unworthy am I that God would give me so much grace, so much love? I can try so hard to be the person He wants me to be, to be holy like He is, and I do just that--I try, over and over and over. And you know what? I fail...over and over and over. I don't have the capacity to do it on my own. The past year of my life is proof enough of that. Yet God is always there, and when I start to feel so hopeless, like I am the world's biggest failure and will never get it right, He shows me that He's big enough for both of us. He covers my imperfection with Himself. I make things way too complicated. I don't have to become holy on my own; I simply have to surrender myself wholly to Him and He takes care of the rest.

"I am full of earth and dirt...and You."

Thinking, over-thinking...

Listening To: You're Not Sorry by Taylor Swift

I have recently come to the realization that I think entirely too much.

I was talking to Mike the other night, having one of our usual Facebook conversations about nothing in particular, and we somehow got on the subject of thinking and the random stuff I think about. Well, now I can't stop thinking about those things. For example, the concept of Opposite Day has eluded me my whole life. I mean, if you actually say the opposite for everything, you end up saying something that's not really the opposite of what you mean at all. Like, for "Everything is beautiful," you would say, "Nothing isn't ugly," which doesn't really make sense at all. At least, it definitely isn't the opposite in meaning, which would be "Nothing is beautiful," or maybe, "Everything is ugly." But then you aren't really using opposites. Not only that, but how can you even tell someone that it's Opposite Day? If you say, "Today is Opposite Day," on Opposite Day, then by the very nature of Opposite Day, you're saying it's not really Opposite Day at all. But if you tell people that it's not Opposite Day, then everyone will be confused and everything you say will get taken the wrong way. (Oh, and "Today is Opposite Day"...what's the opposite of that, anyway?! "Yesterday wasn't a regular day?" That doesn't even make sense!) It's just a big problem, enough of one that I think Opposite Day should be abolished forever.

Another thing I've thought about a lot throughout my life is thinking! There's one that is guaranteed to give you a headache. Just count on it. Seriously, how the heck do we think? It doesn't make sense. Yeah, so there's a bunch of chemical reactions going on and electricity and whatever, but how does that form a concept in your mind? Not only that, but how can you think in concepts, even when you can't put it into words? I don't get it. That used to frustrate me to no end when I was a kid. And by kid, I mean like 5 years old. What 5-year-old thinks about this stuff?!?

Oh, and feelings! Where do they come from? How is it possible to physically feel an emotion? When you're sad, why do you feel a literal pain in your heart? Or when you like someone, why does it feel so weird in your stomach? Where does that come from?!

I don't just think about stupid random stuff, though. I think about people a lot. I like people. I like their differences and similarities and how they interact with each other. I like watching groups of friends, how each person within the group is a totally unique individual, yet there's this general nature or personality of the group as a whole that each person contributes to. I like how total opposites can complement each other and get along perfectly. I like how complex we all are, yet somehow fit together. People are just so cool. That's why I like studying personalites. I gave my whole family something similar to the MBTI test the other day, just for my own amusement. It was so interesting! Like, me and my brother were literally exact opposites (I'm an ENFJ; he's an ISTP). How did that happen? We both grew up in the same house, were raised the same way...yet we're completely different people. So cool. And just look at my group of friends--talk about diversity! We all have very different personalities, talents, and interests, yet we get along incredibly well. I love it!

Something else: How one tiny action on the part of one person can end up affecting another person's life in major ways with this ripple effect kind of thing. Small-scale example: When I was a lot younger, my musical tastes were very limited. There wasn't much range at all; it was pretty much confined to pop-related stuff. Well, I started liking this guy, and his tastes were definitely different than mine. In an effort to have more in common with him, I started trying to listen to some of his music, which introduced me to a lot of new artists. That just had this ripple effect to create my current musical tastes, which are very diverse. If my tastes had never been broadened, I never would have heard a ton artists that I now love. I never would have listened to so many songs that God has used in my life. And God definitely uses music in my life. He speaks to me through songs a lot, and those songs have helped me through a lot of difficult times. But that never would've been possible had I not liked that guy. (Okay, maybe that was sort of a lame example, but you get the idea.)

I also think about my own life and how everything interrelates. That's just a God-thing, in my opinion. It's so cool to look back at different experiences and to be able to see at least part of the reasoning behind why each thing happened. I'm going blank on examples right now, but trust me, there have been countless ones. I like thinking about this in regards to other people's lives, too.

Oh, good grief. Now I've set off about a zillion thought processes in my mind. Excuse me while I go ponder on all of this for the next 3 hours.