Small enough?

Listening To: Breakdown by Mae

I feel like I've been more private than usual lately. There's just all this random stuff going on in my head, but I don't feel like I can fully explain any of it without sounding ridiculous. So I don't. It makes me so thankful that I can trust God with it.

I had a hard time going to sleep last night, due to a combination of Jazzman's crack coffee and a brain on overdrive. I eventually just grabbed Houston and started listening to music, hoping it would relax me some. (FYI, Houston is my Zune, for those of you who didn't know.) A song I had never heard before came on at one point. It was called "Small Enough" by Nichole Nordeman. One thing I like about listening to music at night--it gives me a chance to really listen to it. I appreciate the music so much more, and I can finally listen to the lyrics more closely. In other words, it's when it becomes more than just background noise. Anyway, I started listening to this song, and the lyrics were really profound to me (besides, it's just a beautiful song in general).

"Oh, great God
Be small enough to hear me now
There were times when I was crying
From the dark of Daniel’s den
I had asked you once or twice
If you would part the sea again
Tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
Just want to know You’re gonna hold me if I start to cry

Oh, great God
Be small enough to hear me now

Oh, great God
Be close enough to feel You now
(Oh, great God, be close to me)
There have been moments
When I could not face Goliath on my own
And how could I forget
We marched around our share of Jerichos
But I will not be setting out
A fleece for you tonight
Just wanna know that everything will be alright

Oh, great God
Be close enough to feel me now
All praise and all the honor be
To the God of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder
Turn the pages of our history
But tonight my heart is heavy
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
Are you there?

And I know you could leave writing
On the wall that’s just for me
Or send wisdom while I’m sleeping
Like in Solomon’s sweet dreams
But I don’t need the strength of Sampson
Or a chariot in the end
Just wanna know that you still know
How many hairs are on my head

Oh, great God
(Are you small enough?)
Be small enough to hear me now"

I thought that was a really interesting concept. Of course God is big--we know all the great things He can do. We know how powerful He is, how majestic, everything like that. But is He small enough to relate to us? To understand us, to care about the silly little things in our lives? It amazes me that the answer is yes. It's so reassuring to know that He isn't going to get annoyed with me if I keep going to Him about the same stupid thing over and over again. The way He sees it, if it matters that much to me, then it matters that much to Him. Yet He's GOD. Big enough to handle my problems, and small enough to care. How awesome is that?!?

Snowflakes and Cran-Raspberry Juice

God is so amazing.

Just thought I'd throw that out there. I feel like my relationship with Him has been so much better than it was last semester. I guess maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm more adjusted to college life and stuff like that, but whatever the reason is, I'm definitely glad! He has blessed me so much. A couple of examples...

Example #1: This weekend was the best weekend I've had in a really long time. After 2 weeks of feeling like I was going to go insane, it was pretty refreshing! (Insert random thought: I don't think I like the fact that every semester is going to be different. I liked the people I was with all the time last semester. I don't want that to change.) It actually ended up being a fairly busy weekend, and the fact that it was homework-free just made it even better! (Well, okay--I had homework, I just didn't do it. And I am completely okay with that fact.) I had my first motorcycle ride, my first racquetball lesson, and got to hang out with some of my favorite guys, who I have not seen much lately and have missed a significant amount! Along with plenty of time with the guys, I also had a nice amount of girl-time, so I think it was getting pretty close to being the perfect balance.

Example #2: It snowed today! It wasn't just flurries, either. It snowed pretty hard nonstop from about 10:30am until um...I'll take a guess and say 2:30pm. (It was at some point during my 2-hour nap. Ah, I love college!) It was so pretty, and just made me really happy overall, even if it didn't stick that much. I have to admit, when I woke up to rain this morning, I wondered how great of a day it was going to be. However, I am infinitely thankful for rainboots. One of the things I hate most in the world is having the bottoms of my jeans get wet and having to feel that cold wetness against my legs whenever I sit down. Now that I have rainboots, though, I do not have to live with such issues in my life, and that makes me happy. (You know, now that I think about it, I guess that was really two examples in one... Oh well.)


Anyway, I'm sure I could go on forever with my examples, but those two were the most significant to me at the moment (I like God in the day to day stuff--it just makes me happy and love Him even more!).

Oh, I bought juice today. I've been in the mood for juice lately, so when Kristi and I went to Wal-mart (in search of racquetball raquets. Those things are amazingly hard to find! We were told we'll have to go all the way to Chatt, which is completely ridiculous. Anyway, yeah, we decided to use the same approach with raquetball as we used with pool. Practice makes perfect!), I decided to get some Cran-Raspberry juice. Sooo good. As I headed to check out, however, I realized that I was buying a jug of juice and own a grand total of zero cups to drink it out of. So I also purchased my first cup for 74¢. Gotta love Wally World.

Okay, I think I've rambled for long enough.

Bye.

Initially speaking...

Listening To: Cinema Paradiso (Se) by Josh Groban

I've been in such a writing mood lately. I'm not sure why. And I've been in the typing-writing mood, not handwriting. It's funny--they're two different things for me. So, hence the reason I am starting this blog. I don't know who is ever going to read it, but hey. If I can get it out, I'm okay with that.

I am so excited to be going back to school in five days. Really, I can't even tell you how much I've missed all my friends. You have no idea how much I'm looking forward to being able to text 5,000 people and say, "Jazzman's at 9pm?" Hanging out in the post office. Spontaneous trips to Walmart, McDonald's, and Steak & Shake. Medlin Movie Madness (oh yes...we are reinstating it!). Heck, right now, I'm even missing the daily grind of going to class, doing homework, eating in the dining hall... Wow, I think I'm losing my mind!

I'm also noticing that home seems to mean something else for me than it does for everyone else. Most people are not looking forward to leaving home and coming back to school. Or if they are, they have mixed feelings about it. (Like, two exceptions here.) I have halfway mixed feelings about leaving my family again, but that's about it. I don't get homesick. Ever. I always feel like I haven't been away long enough. I wonder if that will ever change? A week is about the longest of my preferred break lengths. I just prefer not to think about summer at all. Heh!

I'm curious to see if anything will have changed when we get back. By "anything," I mean all this crazy relationship-related drama that we had going on at the end of last semester. Seriously, I hope so. I just need some good, normal friendship. Enough of this who-likes-who stuff. And enough of the awkwardness!

Moving to the opposite end of the spectrum, I went out to eat with my family tonight. It was nice to spend that time with them. I'm glad I changed my attitude since our last family outing like that. Ugh! I'm working on it. I'm trying to change in so many ways...it's hard to remember what's what, but I think I'm doing okay. I hope so anyway. But it's stuff like that that I miss, I guess. I miss seeing them and talking to them and laughing with them. Yet those moments seem to come so few and far between, and you know, I'm really not sure why. I guess we all tend to get wrapped up in our own little worlds and don't really think about what else we're missing out out.

That being said, I'm going to end this and join "their world," so to speak. :) We'll see how well I actually keep up with this thing.

Much love, xoxo, all that.